September 8, 2009

I’ve never been a particularly confident person but I’ve never been this self-conscious in all my life.  I don’t know what’s going on with me but I hate the way I look – specifically, my hair, my chubby face, my thick arms and ankles.  I should be feeling better since going to bootcamp three times a week for the last 4 months.  I know that I am firmer and less flabby then before I started my work out routine.  I’ve started walking in the evenings in addition to boot camp in the morning and we have gone back to being vegetarian (Hubby had to butcher a cow and 4 deer for the tigers, he’s off meat for a while).  I should be feeling great…but I don’t.  I hate seeing picture of myself – I don’t look anything like I used to…I feel so unattractive.

In my head, I hear this running dialogue….”look at your fat arms, look at your stringy hair…no wonder you can’t stay pregnant  – you aren’t healthy and you aren’t worthy….”  I realize this is incredibly negative self-talk, I don’t need a therapist to tell me that but her attempts to help me counter this talk, they aren’t working….I don’t know what to do to make it go away.

In an effort to trying and help heal myself a little bit, I’ve decided to go back to Reiki and yoga.  I’m doing Reiki on myself and I’m going to put up a website offering my services…I know it’s not the best time to start something like this with the economy the way it is but as in previous times that I have done this, I’m willing to trade and barter services too.  I’m not in it for the cash – doing Reiki on people or animals pulls the healing energy through me and helps me too….I’m also going to try and add 2 days worth of yoga practice to my workout routine each week…I’m trying here…

I’m also not going to get a refill on the Clomid.  I gave it 3 months, it didn’t work.  I got pregnant more on my own then with the drugs.  I’m tired of headaches, bellyaches, grumpiness, and screwed up cycles…I tried it, I’m done with it.

We are still trying to figure out a way to pay for adoption.  We are waitlisted for the information session this weekend but the mere thought of the cost makes me want to throw up.  I have no idea where to get that money.  None.  No one is giving loans, no one is giving credit cards and we don’t have enough equity in our house to get a line of credit.  The thing that sucks is, if we got a loan now, we could pay it off with our tax refund next year because of the adoption credit.  If we wait another year, that credit may not be there…sigh…


7 Responses to “Self-Conscious”

  1. Michele Says:

    Oh sweetie… I am so sorry. I know about negative thoughts because of how you perceive yourself. I have those too. They suck. You are a good and worthwhile person. You are.

    Yoga has always helped me. I hope that you find it helpful too.

  2. Amy Says:

    I’m sorry you are so down on yourself. I think your hair is great, not stringy at all. Love the color, the cut, all of it. You always look so stylish in your clothes too. So, I have to disagree with the nasty little bitchy voice that is telling you lies in your head. You are beautiful.

    Your plan sounds good and I hope it all adds up to some peace and healing for you.


  3. Christy W Says:

    Oh, I know some of these feelings so well. I guess I’ve known for so long that my looks are so far from perfect that I hardly even seem to focus on them anymore. It’s really just changed to hating myself for doing what it did to my twins.
    My twins. The ones that will never be. That’s, I think, what it all has to go back to, right?

    I wish money was the LAST thing you had to worry about in your journey to having a family. I wish I could help.

  4. Freda Says:

    You are a beautiful person inside and out. I think you are doing a good thing by starting a business that makes you feel good.

    Do you mind if I ask, how much does the adoption process cost? I’ve been thinking about this a lot and was wondering what I could do to help. Because I love you!

  5. Pamela Miles Says:

    It’s great that you are practicing Reiki self-treatment again. Best to do it every day, at least one full treatment. It will help you with all of the challenges you are addressing, and help you to see when you would benefit from other help as well. I am a Reiki master practicing since 1986 and I have seen Reiki help many couples who were starting families. There is a free virtual practice on my website that you may find encouraging. Take good care!

  6. Maricel Says:

    Hi Martha! I hope you won’t be irked when you read my comment. I think you are being hard on yourself. Please don’t be. And I hope you won’t put anymore stress in your life by doing so many things at the same time. Some things can wait. I didn’t know you are considering adoption til I read this post of yours. If it will put additional stress on you, you might want to forego it? Just my two cents. I wish you well.

  7. Jaded Says:

    check you out with your fit self. good for you! i can’t blame you for the negative self talk. i do it too – it’s so unhealthy and usually entirely untrue but it is difficult to resist.

    yet with all the training and improvment in your diet over the last few months – i find it difficult to beleive that you are not radiantly beautiful.

    i here you on the $$$ situation – hence my reason for temporarily picking up a part time job that almost killed me. i have since let it go and am back to working out and self care.

    i wish you only the best of luck and happiness weather you pursue adoption or pursue a biological child…or both. i know things are difficult and uncertain.

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