A Little More Music In My Life…

September 3, 2009

I love this time of year – the beginning of September which leads to Fall and October and Halloween – which is my absolute favorite holiday.  August is over and that’s a relief and it’s too early to worry about Thanksgiving and Christmas and the inevitable depression that will come from missing the boys.  September on the beaches in North Carolina is ridiculously lovely and Hubby and I usually take advantage of the lack of tourists to head out there at least a couple of times before the warm weather is gone.  Here at home, the leaves change to amazing jewel tones that this California girl didn’t think occurred in nature.  I marvel at the fireworks show that the trees put on.  October brings Mullet Festival (the fish, not the hair) and the informal family reunion.  In years passed, I have dreaded going but this year, I’m looking forward to it.  My best friend, M, will be coming for the State Fair in mid-October and I can’t wait.  And then Halloween…my favorite…I’ve already planned costumes for us and priced new yard decorations.  The mums are in bloom already and I need to put some in the yard…Fall and mums to me is like milk and cookies.

But my heart is heavy.  I thought I would be pregnant again.  All the way pregnant – not just the slightly pregnant that my body seems to be fond of but really, truly and totally pregnant.  But not yet, not that I know of anyway….

My birthday was yesterday and I haven’t cried that much on my birthday in I don’t know how long.  I cried for the boys, I cried because of an insensitive comment said to Hubby in my presence that morning (“So Hubby, got anymore offspring?”), I cried for Craig and Mirne and baby Jet, I cried for the baby that would have been had I not miscarried in December.

In the midst of all my tears, I laughed a lot too.  I was reminded how loved I am.  I was reminded that in the midst of all the pain that I feel, people care for me, people think of me, people root for me.  I had over 60 messages on Facebook wishing me a happy birthday, numerous cards came in the mail, and I got a ton of phone calls throughout the day.  For someone feeling all alone with her grief, that’s powerfully healing. 

I think the hardest I laughed yesterday was when I got my gift from Hubby.  Hubby saw my post about wanting to learn the violin or mandolin so he found me a beautiful violin for my birthday and a woman to give me lessons at lunch.  He said that he thought I needed “a little more music in my life.”  He’s right.  I know I don’t deserve him.  He’s amazingly kind, thoughtful and caring.  I’ve never met a man like him. 

Over dinner, I said to him, “I can play the violin for our baby when he won’t stop crying.  You know?  Play him to sleep.”  That’s the first time I let myself hope for a future baby in a long time.  I surprised myself when I said it.  It’s been months since I thought of OUR baby actually happening again.

So, next birthday, I will be playing a concert (using the loose definition of “concert”) at my house.

Hopefully, our baby will be there.


12 Responses to “A Little More Music In My Life…”

  1. Kate Says:

    Happy Birthday. I’m glad to hear you were deluged by love on your birthday. Here’s to violin playing! And yes, you do deserve your hubby!

  2. Christy W Says:

    Ohmy, this was a lovely post that made me feel so happy for you. Your Hubby sounds like SUCH a sweetheart-what a thoughtful, fabulous gift.
    I’m so sad about baby Jet, too.
    I’m so sad that you are not all-the-way pregnant, too. I’m sad that you have to cry on your birthday.
    But I’m SO glad you could laugh. I’m smiling thinking of you playing your baby to sleep with the violin. I can’t WAIT to hear about that (or see it, maybe you could post a video someday).
    Happy belated birthday.

  3. looking4#3 Says:

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!! That is the sweetest thing that your husband gave you the violin!!! He is trying to give you a song in your heart!!!
    Birthday wishes — many, many, many of them to you!!
    May all of your hopes, dreams, wishes and prayers be answered!!

  4. Amy Says:

    What a sweet gift from your hubby! I’m glad you had a few smiles between all those tears on your birthday.

  5. Kelly Says:

    What a fabulous and meaningful gift from your hubby – and it seems to have given you a means to imagine a happier time in the future. I know birthdays like this are not really happy as they serve as reminders of time passing by, but I do hope you were able to enjoy your day a little bit.

  6. myndful Says:

    Happy, happy birthday! Does sound like you have a wonderful hubby. What a thoughtful and loving gift. Glad to hear a little hope. It can go a long way. 🙂

  7. Michele Says:

    Happy Birthday, sweetie. I know it is hard to celebrate when your heart is breaking. (Halloween is my favorite too…) Our holidays have been hard without the kids… We know they are with us, even when it hurts so much. I keep thinking that this Christmas will be the hardest of all.

  8. iamstacey Says:

    Happy Birthday! What a sweet, wonderful hubby! I’m glad you’re finding some joy and hope.

  9. Gretchen Says:

    Oh Crap! I’m sorry I missed your birthday! I was going to give you Mike’s violin he bought and never played, but he wouldn’t let me get rid of it! LOL. I played violin for about a year in HS, it is a beautiful intrument when played well, not by me! Happy, happy birthday. I hope this year fills your heart with all your wishes come true!

  10. stacey Says:

    What a lovely and special gift! Love that.

    I’m sorry for the sadness you felt on your birthday. Hoping this will be a year of possiblities.

  11. Jaded Says:

    I wish you a very happy belated birthday. I think that is an absolutely beautiful thing that your husband said about needing more music in your life. i wish you so much happiness that it is difficult to put it into words my friend.

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