As Popeye Would Say…

August 31, 2009

So I need to put this out there in the universe (who has been so gracious and kind to me these past 18 months…that’s sarcasm, just in case you were wondering…):  I can only do what I can do, you can accept that or not.

This is in response to a teeny, tiny, select group of people who seem to think that after 18 months, I should be fully capable of attending a baby shower, holding an infant or, for that matter, being in the same room with an infant.  I can’t talk about your perfect pregnancy in detail, I can’t look at ultrasound pictures.  I can ask you polite questions, I can watch your tummy get bigger, I can cheer you on when your due date arrives.  I can only do what I can do.

I need you to understand that it’s not jealousy.  I want another baby badly, I think I’ve made that clear on this blog and it’s very aggravating when people stand upwind of their husbands and get pregnant.  But I also still miss my boys.  I know you think that I should be okay after 18 months but I’m n0t.  I will be eventually but I’m not there yet.  Your ultrasound pictures? They bring up that day in the hospital when the Dr. S said, “I’m so sorry but I’m not seeing a heartbeat.”  You can’t imagine that pain and I hope you never find out.  That’s what I see when you email me your ultrasound pictures.  Your baby shower?  I can’t do it.  It’s not that I never got one.  I just can’t go and see all the tiny little outfits that my boys might have worn but now, never will.  If I hide your profile on Facebook because I can’t read any more posts about how sick/cranky/tired/whatever you are because you’re pregnant, it’s only because it would never occur to me to complain about something I loved, miss and desperately want back.  I rubbed my tummy, I sang to them, I gleefully looked forward to morning sickness because that meant I was pregnant.

I am what I am right now and I can only do what I can do. 

You can take or leave it.


9 Responses to “As Popeye Would Say…”

  1. Amy Says:

    You can only do what you can do and I think baby showers are off the grid of expectations. Getting those invites hurts every time. Sorry you are so surrounded right now.


  2. Kelly Says:

    Thank you for pulling that phrase out – it’s another that I will add to my list. (“It is what it is” is another of mine right now, meaning I can’t control everything.) It is perfectly understandable to those of us who have some bit of understanding of your situation that you would not want to go to baby showers or look at ultrasounds. I’m sorry that some (or perhaps many) in your life right now can’t understand.

  3. caitsmom Says:

    I’m always amazed–I know you think I’d learn–that people think we will ever be OK. It’s hard and that’s a sad understatement. You what you can do and let them deal. Peace.

  4. Michele Says:

    I totally agree and feel the same way. I wish that people would understand that being compassionate means understanding where we are each step of the way.

  5. Tina Says:

    I think the things you listed as “can dos” are very generous of you. Your friends should be thankful that you are able to do these things, they have no idea just how hard it is. So sorry!

  6. KB Says:

    I think that’s all very reasonable.

  7. looking4#3 Says:

    It still amazes me to this day that when I am upset about my sister being killed 15 years ago, some people will say, “OMG–you’re still NOT over that??” It is heart wrenching and I have often thought of punching them in the face. Then, I fantasize about seeing them a year or two later, getting a major attitude from them, and saying, “Wow, you’re still NOT over that??” Not that the two are anywhere near the magnitude of each other, but I think they would get my frustration.
    Do what is good for you and F*%K everyone else! Those who are true friends, will get it and not even need the explaination!!!!

  8. iamstacey Says:

    I think you’re doing just fine. {{hugs}} You’re being true to YOU.

  9. stacey Says:

    I agree with every single word of this. And you are doing fine. You’re doing all you can do and that is perfectly okay. In my opinion, those who cannot understand this are the ones with the problem.

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