Okay, Well, Maybe Not…

August 26, 2009

We got the information on adoption over the weekend.  The amount of money required was not horrific.  The problem is that we need SOOOO much up front to even get started (I think, I can’t really understand the whole “process” since the information packet seemed to be a mish/mash of flyers).  I think we need to hear what they say at the information session.  It’s a lot of money to swing upfront and I don’t think we can borrow from family members even with the promise of the tax credit to pay it back.  I applied for an increase in my Care Credit card but I think it was such a large amount over what I had for my Lasik, they were like, “oh hell no lady…”  I also applied for a Visa from the National Adoption Foundation but I heard from the bank folks downstairs that no one is getting any credit from anywhere so I shouldn’t be surprised if it was denied…and it was….great….

So now I am looking into “additional income sources” to build up the adoption fund – no people, not porn…I am a Reiki practitioner (this is a good blog that talks about Reiki if you care http://reikiblogger.com/).  I did it in college to make some extra money and that was when no one knew what yoga was, let alone Reiki.  Basically paid my sorority dues.  The more I think about it, the more I wonder if getting back to Reiki would help with my own healing.   Part of me is scared because every time I have done treatments on myself, I’ve cried a lot and had a lot of “backlash” (basically it’s the grief and sadness working it’s way out but it’s still very painful).  I’m chicken to work through some of the stuff I need to work through but I know there will be no healing without it.  If I were my own client, I would scold me but I do enough self-hating on my own so I won’t add that to the list.  Now, I just need to see if this type of thing will fly in a recession…

I also wussed out on the group therapy session that I was going to attend with http://ourbabyboy25.blogspot.com/  I couldn’t face standing up and saying, “Hi, I’m Martha, my twin boys died and I’m really screwed up….”  I couldn’t do it this month.  I’ll work up to next month.  My friend, F heard me laugh today, she said it was something she hadn’t heard in months….I realized, I really don’t do it that often anymore…I’m treating life like a river and I’m just floating down it without any expectations.  It’s a nice image but not really how I’m used to living.  I want to look forward to the future but I can’t – actually, more accurately – I don’t know how.


5 Responses to “Okay, Well, Maybe Not…”

  1. Amy Says:

    I hop you can find ways to afford adoption if that is the route you and hubby decide to go. I think the blog “parenthood for me” offers some tips, or links, to affording adoption. I am terrible with hyper links, but I think it is on my blogroll.

    I nominated you for the Honest Scrap Award!

    Sending love!

  2. Christy W Says:

    I’m stewing inside when I think of the insane cost of adoption. I really hope that if it’s what you decide to do that it works out, and that the money doesn’t become in the way of it.
    Grief is so much work. So much.

  3. Michele Says:

    Everything in its own time… You will know when you are ready to share before a group.

    Yes, adoption is so expensive. We have the “adoption fund” where we are storing up cash. We are lucky that Peter’s company reimburses 5K, but still, there is so much more than that plus we have to pay for everything before the reimbursement. It’s a hard thing… But well worth it in the end. One day we will both see the sunshine, I am sure.

  4. JBBC Says:

    Thank you so much for including me on this list – I am truly honored and touched…you made me day x

  5. Kelly Says:

    Ooh, I had a Reiki treatment once and really liked it. Sounds like a great way to earn a few extra $$$ if you choose to go this route. I have also never been able to actually make it in the door at a group therapy session. I did actually drive to one once, but I couldn’t get out of the car. I consider blogging to be my group therapy. 🙂

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