The Joy of….
August 20, 2009
I recently wrote to someone that I have lost my joy. The joy I used to have for life is gone and I don’t know how to get it back. I have brief moments of happiness but other than that, I am an emotional wasteland of pain, anger, jealousy, rage, fear, and disappointment. I have things that I am very grateful for (like Hubby, doggies, and my wonderful friends – both physical and bloggy) but that’s not the same as joy. I feel like a candle whose light has been snuffed out and can’t be relit.
I sobbed last night in therapy, begging the therapist and Hubby to tell me what to do to feel better, to not hurt, to get my joy back, to have some peace. I will do anything, just tell me what to do, I said. We talked a lot about negative and irrational self-talk aka the mean, nasty voices that I hear telling me that the boys were it, I get no other children, I’m broken and defective – you know, the good stuff. I’m supposed to counter that with “a dispute.” So if my head tells me, “You are never going to have another child,” I’m supposed to dispute that with, “I will have another child.” I’ll try it.
The therapist really latched on to the idea of adoption. She ran with that idea, offering to help us find resources and contacts and then she alluded to the fact that she didn’t think I was emotionally capable of conceiving and carrying a child in my present state and that we might need to take a break while exploring adoption. That really hurt. Prehaps it’s true but it still hurt. I sort of shutdown at that point. I’m not willing to give up the idea of getting pregnant and carrying a child right now. Hubby and I agreed to keep trying while exploring the possiblity of adoption. Her comment sort of overshadowed any excitement that I was feeling for making the decision to try to adopt and left me feeling sad and hurt (thus, possibly, proving her point that I am an emotionally fragile mess that needs electro-shock therapy).
Along those same lines and possibly providing more evidence for Therapist’s theory, was the fact that I got a message last night from IAC (Independent Adoption Centers) that the information session we signed up for was full. It wasn’t full when I signed up for it 5 days ago on their website but it is now. Yeah, no idea how that works. We are on the wait list for that session and signed up for the October 3rd session. I was so upset and disappointed that I had to have Hubby return the call out of fear that my anger and snippiness towards the “keeper of the babies” would harm our chances of sitting down with these people. Again, probably not the rational response the rest of the world would have but I’m starting to understand that not much of what goes on in my head these days is rational.
I’m an irrational, joyless, emotionally fragile lostbabymama and at this point, I think we can safely say, I’m not even surviving anymore….I’m in real trouble, aren’t I?
Filed in August, 2008, death of baby, grief, Grief/Loss, Pregnancy loss, recurrent pregnancy loss, Robertsonian Balanced Translocation, Stillbirth, trying to get pregnant, TTC
Tags: anger, depression, disappointed, frustrated, Grief/Loss, I want a baby, I want to be a mommy, my boys, Pregnancy loss, sadness, Stillbirth, trying to conceive, TTC