Expanding Our Options

August 17, 2009

Unbeknownst to me, Hubby read my blog on Friday.  I know that sometimes he reads it just to see what I’m thinking because sometimes, when he asks, I’m not honest (and that’s not because I don’t want to be – I might not want to talk about it RIGHT then).

We had a long, frank discussion about adoption during date night.  He apparently had been thinking about it a lot.  He agrees with me that while we still want to carry a baby, we are ready to have a baby in our life now.  We want two (2)children and this process is taking a lot longer than I thought it would.  I haven’t been pregnant again in three (3) months (if you are new to my blog, read why that’s an issue).  I’m really worried that it’s not going to happen again, that something has occurred to make me not get pregnant anymore.

I’m also really worried about money but the information session we signed up for, seemed to make the financial aspect not as much of an issue.  Of course, I’m immediately skeptical of anything that seems to be good to be true. 

Maybe this will take the sense of urgency away and bring me a sense of peace that I am so badly lacking.  I’m still not willing to give up on carrying a child and I’m having an issue reconciling that.  I read somewhere that once you make the decision to adopt, you need time to grieve that loss of your fertility.  I don’t feel like that applies to me because we will continue to try and carry a child but I am feeling something in making this decision.  I don’t know if it’s sadness because I miss the boys or fear as to what this decision means for our future.  I’m worried that people will look at us differently as parents, family members will judge our child or that, in general, there will some stigma attached to him/her.  People said/say the cruelest things when I lost the babies….I have little faith they wouldn’t continue to suffer from “foot in mouth” syndrome.  But then I think about a friend who is the middle child of three and she’s the only adopted child in the family.  She’s happy, healthy and seemingly well adjusted.  Is she the norm or were her parents just extraordinary?  What if I’m not an extraordinary parent?

I’m also anxious about that first discussion with the adoption counselor.  How do I convey to someone that my children died but I’m not here to replace them?  Do I want to talk about the boys in our letter to the birthmother?  What do I say without sounding like I am playing the sympathy card?  Also, we would have to put the nursery back together and that makes me so anxious.  Hubby set up the nursery in our old house as a surprise for me – to help me feel better after losing Baby A and to have something to look at when I was home on bedrest.  The nursery was then dismantled because we were buying our house when Baby B died and never put back together because he never got to live in the new house.  All of the baby stuff is stacked in boxes and baskets in the “Nursery” with the door shut.  I haven’t been in there since we moved in 18 months ago.

Maybe I am just “borrowing trouble” – looking for things to worry about.  I just didn’t think this is where I would be in my life.  Never in a million years did I think I would be the lostbabymama to two little boys, pondering adoption.


7 Responses to “Expanding Our Options”

  1. Michele Says:

    Be honest. When we had our first meeting with the social worker, she asked “Do you have any children” and we said “Three”. She was very understanding. They want to know that you are okay, that you arent looking for replacement kids, that your children occupy your heart and always will and that you are ready to have more kids. I was really nervous, but she asked if we had pictures, etc, because she wanted them to go in our family profile. She said that she was glad that we could see the beauty of our family even in the pain. When I got pregnant and knew bedrest was coming and we had to stop our classes mid-swing, she was very understanding and still contacts us to see how things are going. We cant wait to go back at some point in the future and pick up where we left off.

    And I dont think adoption means you have to mourn your fertility. I mean, we have always wanted to adopt and I never saw it as a second place option or something to do in lieu of. It was just another way to have a child. I’m adopted and I know I look at it differently, but I think that you can pursue both avenues with love in your heart and hope for the future.

    Sending you lots of happy vibes!

  2. Kelly Says:

    Our social worker doing our home study has been very understanding about our pregnancy losses. While certainly not at the level of your losses, it reassured me to know that she knows that these things do not just go away. Our decision to pursue adoption came as a result of wanting to be parents more than wanting to be pregnant – we needed to know for sure that there was a child in our near future. That’s not to say that we won’t try again in the future (or that we are using any birth control – the thought makes me laugh), but we were ready to be off the TTC roller coaster.

    I would be happy to talk with you some about our process if that would be helpful to you. There’s no way to ignore the fact that adoption does cost money, but we’ve found ways to tackle it without having all of the money saved up front, which certainly wasn’t an option for us (or we’d have to wait a couple of years, and we were sick and tired of waiting). I’m glad to hear that you and Hubby had a good conversation – that’s the key. You will make decisions together that are right for you, whatever path you choose to take.

  3. Kate Says:

    Like Michele, I hope to adopt one day but I am not ready to mourn my fertility or dreams of having my own biological children. I don’t think you have to let go of one thing to gain another. Good luck in what you decide. Its not an easy decision.

  4. Kelly Says:

    You will be an extraordinary mother and T will be an extraordinary father. You have so much to give and any baby will be so, so lucky to be a part of your family, no matter how he or she comes into it.

  5. Christy W Says:

    I meet with a peri next week to discuss a “hypothetical” next pregnancy-ya know, if there even is one. Sometimes I’m so scared it will happen again I think we should adopt first and try for a bio one later. Then I think no, then I think yes…it’s such a decision. Hopefully you can find some good resources and talk to people that have gone through this. No one here will judge you for any decision you make or don’t make! Thinking of you!

  6. stacey Says:

    I also find it very hard to think about going in an entirely different direction than I ever expected. Sometimes it still feels funny to think about adoption for me personally, yet sometimes I think I’d do it today if that were possible. I’m very glad that you and your husband are discussing things openly. I hope that your next steps will be made clear.

  7. Jaded Says:

    I honestly think of donor sperm as an option for us but i am just not ready to take that step. i want to keep trying, my greatest fear is to not give it all i got. this is a hard f*cked up road and i just hate it. today is just not a good day for me – all i have done is cry and miss my girls. i was just telling my husband i want a baby, but what i really want are my two girls back and that will never ever happen in the life time. and ‘never’ is still very hard to accept.
    great post – thaks for sharing.

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