Hope…

August 14, 2009

It is a funny thing, isn’t it?  I feel like all of you understood what I was trying to convey yesterday – I really appreciate that.  I want to be positive, I want to look forward to a future where I am pregnant for longer than a minute and it results in a live birth.  I want that, I really, really do.  However, my frustration is two-fold, I think. 

First, I have issues with this idea that with a positive outlook and a smile, I can somehow influence what will happen in this world.  If that were the case, I would have two living, breathing, healthy one year old boys and I don’t.  I begged, I pleaded, I made deals with the universe and the universe didn’t care – the boys died.  I had an army of people praying, being positive, hoping that my boys would be okay and it didn’t work.  I also understand that the therapist is not blaming me for not being pregnant because I don’t have a happy outlook on the whole situation.  I don’t feel like there is any judgment.  Any guilt or anger that I feel is self-made.  My friend F and I have talked about the idea that my grief could be acting as a barrier to getting pregnant again and I agree that it’s not healthy.

Second and I think, more prominent in my emotional psyche is the fact that I start to cry whenever anyone talks about Hubby and I having more children.   I think that the therapist is thinking that the only way to work through the grief is to hope for the one thing that is causing the grief – a baby.  Except that won’t work.  My grief is caused by the death of my boys.  I’m want a baby with my husband but that’s not the reason why I cry in the shower.  I cry because I want my boys and there is nothing anyone can do about that.  I’m have that moment every two year old has when she’s given a beautiful ice cream cone with two scoops and she drops it.  Even if you replace the cone, I’m still crying over the one I lost.  I want my boys.  It’s not rational and I don’t know what to do about that.  Maybe the therapist does.

And maybe this why when I look at adoption websites, I can’t take the next step.  Or maybe I’m not willing to give up on my fertility.  There is an information session in Raleigh on September 12th for an adoption organization that would work with us in terms of money.  I’ve thought about going but I haven’t talked to Hubby.  I can’t even think about pursuing that path without talking to him extensively.  I’m afraid it would look like I’m giving up.  I’m not.  I don’t want to give up.  I want to be pregnant again and have a baby with Hubby.  I don’t want my only memories of being pregnant and giving birth to be what they are now.  But practical me also knows that this is taking a long time and Hubby and I want 2 children.  I’m not getting any younger and those screwy eggs of mine, they aren’t getting any fresher. 

But that makes it sound like I want just any baby and I will feel better if I just get A BABY and all will be right with the world.  I know that’s not the case because when I look at the websites, I think about the boys AND they are what I want. 

I can’t move forward and I can’t get back what I’ve lost and I don’t know what to do.

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8 Responses to “Hope…”

  1. Kate Says:

    *hugs*

    You’re dealing with multiple things, I hope your therapist gets that. You’re dealing with recurrent miscarriage, infertility AND the loss of your boys. Three separate things. Its only logical that your grief will be varied over each difficulty you have.

    I read somewhere that the women who were pregnant on 9/11 and had spouses that died in the twin towers, all went on to carry healthy babies to term. If that isn’t enough to suck all the joy, and infuse all the grief in the world…. and yet they had healthy babies. My point with this story is I don’t believe a healthy outlook, etc changes anything though its always good for your sanity and emotional well being.

    I have the same issue but with prayer. My relatives, parents, etc all tell me,”You need to pray hard, etc” and I’m thinking, “But I did pray before. I prayed and prayed and yet nothing happened. I prayed all the time with my second pregnancy but nothing.”

    I think people want to give advice to appear well meaning. I don’t know if its for you, or for themselves to feel better about themselves.

  2. Michele Says:

    I dont know why folks think having another baby solves everything. It really doesnt. I’ve had people say “Oh you are pregnant. You must feel so much better now.” No, actually, I’d feel better if my children hadnt died. I think the worst is when I hear “You are having b/g twins again. See, it is God giving you your babies back.” No, actually, my babies lived and died and aren’t coming back, but thank you for that dumb comment nonetheless. It hurts when people just dont get it.

    Sending hugs and understanding…

  3. myndful Says:

    I also tend to be on the side that says positive thinking doesn’t make a lot of difference. In fact, I think a lot of the things the RE’s have us do have little to no effect, they are just precautionary. As Kate pointed out, there are all sorts of people who go through horrific events during their pregnancy and manage to have healthy children so…thinking positive thoughts isn’t going to get you pregnant and the lack thereof isn’t going to prevent it from happening either. Time + nature + science will hopefully do the trick.

    I totally understand your feelings about adoption, especially considering your loss. Your feelings about wanting the boys back…I can’t begin to imagine that kind of grief but whatever you are going through is normal. Although I don’t believe that getting pregnant again or adopting will ever eliminate that hurt, I do believe that it will bring you some peace, if that makes sense.

    You’ll always love the boys, always miss them, and nothing will ever minimize their loss. But hopefully you’ll find something that will help soothe some of the pain.

  4. mkwewer Says:

    And I really think that peace is what I am looking for, but do I look to another baby to do that or should I try and achieve that before we have another baby? Is that even possible?

    • myndful Says:

      Not being you, that’s hard to say. But my take on it is this: it isn’t selfish for you to want more children, and I don’t believe that you would ever pursue having more just to fill the void the boys left. However, I do think having another baby would innately provide some peace whether that was part of the goal or not.

      Also, I don’t believe those unresolved feelings would have an impact on the new child…short of that concern, I wouldn’t put my life on hold any longer than absolutely necessary. You want children, and you have every right to have them. Just that forward motion can bring great relief. Just my humble opinion.

      Whatever you do is going to be what’s best for you. What I can say for sure is, we often find peace in the strangest and most unexpected places. I hope you find it soon. 🙂

  5. Kelly Says:

    I agree with what Kate said above – you are dealing with separate issues, and I hope your therapist can understand that. Having a baby will not remove your grief and pain from losing your boys. But it could help with your pain surrounding your challenges in getting and staying pregnant. FWIW, we attended our first adoption seminar over a year before we actually took the plunge. We continued to try to conceive and had one more pregnancy and miscarriage during that time. In the meantime I felt good about starting to investigate our other options – just so I really knew what they were. Of course, each of us has our own process and will come to our own conclusions in due time, and only you know what is best for you. Hang in there.

  6. stacey Says:

    This is a heartbreaking post. I wish I knew exactly the right words to say, but you and I both know that there really aren’t any. I always read your posts, but I am often at a loss for words. Just want you to know that I sincerely hope you find peace. It’s so hard to know whether having a baby might help anyone to reach that point — although certainly not as any replacement for such a great loss as you’ve experienced. Or, whether it would be best for the peace to come before moving forward.
    Although we do not have exactly the same history, I can definitely relate to what you’ve written here: “…when I look at adoption websites, I can’t take the next step. Or maybe I’m not willing to give up on my fertility.” I feel stuck in that place too.
    Thinking of you and hoping only the best for you.

  7. KB Says:

    I think you’re dealing with separate, but related issues that can get all mixed-up together and become really confusing. I don’t know if and when the peace will ever come regarding the boys. The grief changes once a new pregnancy comes and then stays. I’m not sure if the pain lessens or if I just have something new to direct focus toward. I sometimes find that the pain is worse about the initial loss as I proceed through the current pregnancy – a new longing for never being able to have known one as I get to know the other comes and then all sorts of other feelings and wonderings and a different sadness. And then there’s idiotic things like every single person who asks, “Is this your first?” What do you even say? I mean if I had another living baby wouldn’t she be with me right now? Duh. It might be easier in a sense once a new pregnancy sticks b/c there isn’t the additional burden of, “Is my body even going to cooperate at all?” but there will always be the longing and wondering and sadness about the loss. I’m sorry, friend, nothing takes that away. I think things are extra difficult for you, as Kate mentioned and as you are very aware of your 3 issues. It might not feel as heavy if you could just put down at least one or two issues. Whenever I read your posts I think, “She must be exhausted.” I can’t even imagine it. I am constantly taken by your strength and courage. XO


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