I’m Trying….

August 13, 2009

to be hopeful.  I know it doesn’t seem like it but I am.  I promise, I am.  It’s so hard because you aren’t in my head.  You don’t hear the things that I hear – “I’m broken, I’m defective, I can’t make a single good egg that won’t result in a dead baby, I had my babies and now that’s it, I don’t get anymore, my body betrayed me and the boys died” – you don’t hear that.  I do.  Daily.  Almost hourly, if we are being honest.

The therapist wants me to be able to visualize having a family in a positive manner.  We had the whole discussion again about being positive and if I think I won’t get pregnant, then it will be become a self-fulfilling prophecy and I won’t get pregnant.  I’m not not having a baby because I’m emotional stunted.  I’m not have a baby because I have a genetic condition in which 2/3 of my pregnancies end in miscarriage.  I’ve been trying for the last 3 months to get back to where I was when I got pregnant with the boys.  We were finally free of money troubles, living in a nice place, I had lost 15 pounds….I’ve been working to get back to that but I’m starting to get frustrated because I feel like my attitude isn’t going to change the genetics.  That’s where my hopelessness stims from.  I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel and I don’t know what is going to make me see that light.  I’m willing to try but…

And it doesn’t help that I am already grumpy from fucking fertility meds that I was so HOPEFUL would produce extra eggs with the correct genetic material.


8 Responses to “I’m Trying….”

  1. Tina Says:

    I am so sorry. All I can say is keep trying, don’t give up.

  2. Michele Says:

    “You don’t hear the things that I hear”

    Oh honey, I think more of us here that than you realize. I hear those same things every single day. It’s something that I think many orphaned parents go through. You arent alone, dear. And it is VERY hard to be positive in spite of the things your mind tells you and in spite of the pain. It is a constant struggle. Just one day at a time, dear. That is all you can take…

  3. Kelly Says:

    It is so hard to be hopeful, to be positive. I have also worked on visualizing with my therapist – and I’m still not fully able to do it after a couple of years of trying. Hang in there.

  4. babyblizz Says:

    I have read a few blogs of women that have been trying to conceive for 3 yrs and my first response was “WHAT!!! I CAN’T DO THIS FOR 3YRS!!! I’m guessing at some point sex isn’t enjoyable its a chore and who want to do chores. Three years will come even if there is no child and that’s what I have to realize.

  5. Kate Says:

    What you hear are the same thoughts that swirl through my head daily. I don’t like that your therapist somehow is blaming you for your emotional feelings and you have not conceived. I doubt that’s related. I think IFers are proof. Sure it is always better to have a good attitude in life but you’ve been kicked up and down and around town so ofcourse you’re going to manifest those bruises in your emotions. Have you written somewhere about this genetic condition? I would like to know more about it if you have time.

  6. Amy Says:

    I know, I know. It is hard to hold onto hope month after mont after month of being let down. If only thinking it can happen would make it happen…
    I remember YEARS ago I visualized my future life and I wrote out in detail the positive image which included 2 pregnancies and 2 living children. I saw them dancing around in a field of flowers (hippie stage). What happened?
    ((((hugs))))) See you tomorrow.

  7. MoDLin Says:

    Hang in there and don’t give up. Don’t blame yourself. You were dealt the hand you were dealt and now you do the best you can. I’m thinking positively for you.

  8. Jaded Says:

    I could have written this exact post.
    Hope does not change my meckel gruber or my incompetent cervix only luck and a good cerclage will.

    the only thought that gives me some semblance of hope is that this won’t last forever…

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