Clomiphene Citrate

August 10, 2009

I’m sitting here at my desk with my first dose of my third month of Clomid in my hand.  I don’t want to take them but I do want to take them.  I want them to work but I don’t want to get my hopes up.  I keep thinking, “this will be the month that a pregnancy finally sticks – that we will finally have a living, breathing baby.”

We deserve that.  I know we do.  I don’t understand why we can’t have that.  I’m so confused so to what I have done to deserve this.  I had my boys.  I was supposed to be done by now.  I should have thrown a birthday party for my babies AND Hubby this weekend instead of just Hubby.  Why does something that comes so easily to others seem to be so elusive for me now?

Oh what the hell. 

100mg of Clomid, down the hatch.


*Special thanks to Cindy who took some great pictures of the boys’ names written in the sand in the Outer Banks.  They are perfect for the book I am working on.  Also, my necklace came from the Etsy site and it’s really perfect.


7 Responses to “Clomiphene Citrate”

  1. Michele Says:

    i know… it sucks and is so unfair…

  2. looking4#3 Says:

    Not really sure how I stumbled upon your blog, but I did none the less. I have spent the entire morning reading through everything. I am so sorry for the loss of your boys. I know there are NO words.
    I am also so terribly sorry pregnancy and a sticky baby is not easy.
    I believe you are incredible strong and courageous. Thanks for sharing your story.

    • mkwewer Says:

      Good lord! Reading my whole blog in one sitting is brave! Please don’t hurl yourself out of the nearest window 🙂

      Thank you for your kind words. I don’t feel particularly strong nor courageous until I get wonderful comments from other lostbaby mamas so I really appreciate your comment…

  3. Karla Says:

    I thought of you many times this past weekend. I hope that your husband’s b-day party was good, although I know that you are both missing your boys terribly. It does suck and it isn’t fair. All I can say is that I wish good things always happened to good deserving people, but life often doesn’t work that way. You didn’t do anything wrong. It isn’t your fault. You are a wonderful person and a wonderful mother. I will keep wishing and hoping for you and supporting you. I am shaking my fist at the sky on your behalf and also asking, “Why does life have to be so unfair?” Ugh. No answers. Just know you have many people on your side and very hopeful.

  4. Kate Says:

    You did nothing to deserve this. You deserve a baby and you have already shown what a loving mother you are. I am thinking of you this cycle.

  5. iamstacey Says:

    Hope the Clomid is going ok with NO Clomid Crazies 🙂
    I know you’re missing your boys

  6. looking4#3 Says:

    Hurling myself out of the nearest window was never on my mind reading your blog. Compassion, strength, love, hope and how truly unfair life can be were the only things that consumed me.
    We lost our little girl at 8w3d due to Trisomy 9. My heart still mourns and breaks for her. I wish it were different, I wish she were kicking around and we were waiting for her to grow and be healthy. We are going for our first IUI this month, and I am scared out of my mind. IF sucks!

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