A Harmless Walk….

August 6, 2009

I went to my usual therapy session last night without Hubby (he is in Denver for his cousin’s wedding) and I didn’t talk about the boys upcoming birthday.  I didn’t feel like it.  I didn’t want to.  I’m tired.  I feel like a toddler throwing a tantrum and screaming, “NO! NO! NO!”  Yes, I realize that by not talking to my therapist about something this painful, I am cheating myself.  I actually felt like I betrayed her because we just chatted about how I was getting along without Hubby, all the while, I was thinking about the boys and how much I miss them.  I just couldn’t talk about them yesterday.

I have been walking with my friend M after work most days (when it doesn’t storm or something else doesn’t come up unexpectedly).  I figure the long hour walk in addition to boot camp will help me manage stress and get the weight off faster.  And I really like M.  It’s like the beginning of a romance, you still don’t know a ton about the person but you want to get to know them more but you don’t know if you should ask them out again or what for them to ask you out…(really, I don’t want to date M – she’s married, I’m married, I like boys, she likes boys…it was just a metaphor).

Last night she was detained at work and sent me a quick text that she was bailing on our walk.  I thought, “I’ll take the dogs to the park anyway.”  The puppy NEEDS to walk in the afternoons lest no one in the house sleeps until he has played himself out (he’s a 6 month old lab/boxer mix, he has energy to spare).  We leashed up and took off.

We took our usual course up the street to the park and onto the track.  As I got to the track, I saw two women in pink T-shirts (important later) with a stroller…whatever was crying in the stroller was little….maybe 3 months old and….SMACK!  I’m reduced to tears.  I immediately turn around and head back to the house, tearing streaming down my face.  Grief and anger and sadness strangled me as I drag the dogs back towards the house.

As we started to cross the street, I looked up and damn, if they weren’t right behind me.  “What the fuck!” I thought,  “I’m practically running from these woman and they are chasing me with their living, breathing, healthy pink baby!  I crossed the street like the lead actress in a zombie movie…dragging dogs, looking behind me, tears streaming and wait!  What’s that?  They continued straight.  I took a deep breath, blew it out and wiped my face with my pink T-shirt (I know…sexy).

I got to the house, put the dogs in the backyard and went out front to get the mail.  Guess what?  Here comes the Pink T-shirt ladies and the stroller from around the corner.  Apparently, they did a loop just to pass my house!  I tried to smile and be polite as they both said hello.

“Looks like you got the memo about it being pink T-shirt day!” says Fertile Myrtle’s friend.

“Shit,” I thought, “she’s talking to me, now I’ve got to be witty.”

“I sure did.  Tomorrow, I’m thinking blue T-shirts.  Sound good?”

They both laughed their fertile laughs and walked on.

I turned, new tears coming down my face and headed back to my baby-less house.

I hate this.

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5 Responses to “A Harmless Walk….”

  1. Michele Says:

    Oh sweetie… I am so sorry. That sounds like a horrible way to end the day. I dont know that I would have been able to gather a response like you did. I know that in the grand scheme of things, it’s a small victory, but you did it. Sending hopes that tonight is a better night.

  2. Amy Says:

    Ugh – sucks, sucks, sucks. I’m sorry your walk was ruined. It is so damn hard. Lots of love to you.

  3. Kate Says:

    Ugh… I hate that they had to follow you when you needed to be alone and collect your thoughts and feelings. Michele is right, it is a small victory. You should be proud of yourself. *hugs*

  4. Erin Says:

    Thinking of you and keeping up with your posts on BT. I hope you can think of something good for the birthday. We were fortunate to get Charlotte’s headstone up on her 4th birthday, which was good…I guess, for a birthday. I would still like to see your tattoo if you get a minute.

  5. Jaded Says:

    i hear you…sometimes i swear people with strollers are just ‘out to get me’.


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