Lost
July 14, 2009
I really do feel like I’m losing it. I’m angry and sad and frustrated and I cry a lot. “Sounds like depression,” you say, and I would agree with you if I wasn’t being medicated for depression already and seeing a therapist. I mean who has lists of baby names in their head but no baby yet? Who has visions of having twins again, knowing the likelihood of it happening again is slim? Who dreams of babies who are long, long gone? I’m going crazy, aren’t I?
As much as I don’t want to admit it, I put a lot of hope and faith in the Clomid and twice now, it’s not worked. I feel like we did everything right and it didn’t work. We probably did do everything right. I know that you can do everything right every month and it still won’t happen right away (unless you are any number of my friends and my sister in law and then, rest assured, you will get pregnant within minutes of deciding you want to be…do I sound bitter? That’s because I am and I don’t care…). We have one more month of Clomid and my understanding is that it’s magical powers will stay in my system for up to 60 days. After that, I don’t think I want anymore. The side effects suck and I still have no baby(ies)…I can have no baby(ies) and not feel physically like crap sans Clomid, thank you very much.
I’m tired of whining and crying, I’m tired of friends having to pick up the pieces, I’m tired of all of you having to be my cheerleaders…I know that I need to get over this, I keep telling myself that but I just don’t know what to do to feel better…
I’m truly feeling lost….
Filed in grief, Grief/Loss, July 2009, loss of baby, Pregnancy loss, recurrent pregnancy loss, Stillbirth, trying to get pregnant, TTC
Tags: anger, angry, depression, Friendship, frustrated, Grief/Loss, I want to be a mommy, loss of baby, my twin boys, Pregnancy loss, sadness, Stillborn, trying to conceive, TTC, twin boys
Surviving Baby 
July 14, 2009 at 2:18 pm
I have a list of boy’s names and a list of girl’s names in my head all the time. And I’ve never even managed to get pregnant!
All you are going through sucks so much. I know you want to “get over it,” but I think you are doing great just getting through it. You’ve been through so much and have had a lot of disappointment lately as well. Clomid hasn’t worked for us, either.
Are there other things you can try? We’re moving on to injectables. Is IVF an option?
July 14, 2009 at 6:25 pm
The doctor has told us that she won’t give us injectables and we can’t afford IVF and really, it wouldn’t help us enough to justify the cost anyway.
July 14, 2009 at 2:42 pm
I continually add to my list of baby names in my head. I think of having twins again, even though I know it won’t happen. I think of my babies all the time, but at night I don’t dream of them…I wish I would. You are not alone with these feelings. And I don’t feel losing our babies is something we need to get over, but instead we have to learn to live with them in our hearts. We need to incorporate them into our existence somehow. Anyway, I hope knowing you are not alone makes you feel a little bit better.
xx,
Tina
July 14, 2009 at 6:31 pm
It does make me feel better, thank you…
July 14, 2009 at 4:54 pm
I don’t think you’re crazy. Not one bit. I feel most of those things and I have not experienced the level of loss that you have, so I imagine your feelings are at a much greater level than mine. You are grieving and confused and angry and bitter – and I think anyone who has struggled to build a family will recognize that those are perfectly normal emotions for this situation. (People who haven’t been through it won’t understand. And they never will.) Hang in there. It will get better at some point, even though it might not seem possible right now.
July 14, 2009 at 6:32 pm
Thank you. I’m just a little overwhelmed and frustrated. I know it will pass.
July 14, 2009 at 5:33 pm
Lot’s of hugs. It sucks, it does. I hope your shower of tears wash away some of the sorrow and let in a little bit of peace. I’ll see you soon…
July 14, 2009 at 6:32 pm
Thank you. I’m hoping every gets easier for you…
July 14, 2009 at 8:01 pm
*hugs*
I’m so sad knowing the pain you are in and the disappointment you feel.
I understand feeling tired but know that your friends and the IF community on-line is not tired of hearing from you and being there to support you.
July 14, 2009 at 9:30 pm
I’m so sorry that you feel so awful. I know you have good days and bad days and this sounds like a terrible one. I can say with total certainty that you are not crazy. You are hurting and angry and depressed, not crazy. Therapy and medication do not always make depression go away. Hopefully it helps you just make it through the day and cope better than if you didn’t have it, but you are having a really tough time. I wish there was a magic secret I could tell you that would help you feel better; I wish there were a good explanation. All I can say is that you are not crazy, lots of people love you and we’ll support you however we can.
July 15, 2009 at 12:38 am
I feel crazy because I can’t even say “the baby” anymore when thinking about ttc. We had twins, I had to train myself to say “the babies.” I’d laugh when I’d mess up. Now I know I can’t have twins because of the risk and I can’t quite wrap my head around it. I still plan on having one girl and one boy because, well, that’s what we had.
Life is so incredibly cruel, so unfair. I just don’t understand it.
I am just so, so sorry.
July 15, 2009 at 7:27 pm
You are far far far from crazy. Everything you are outlining is shared by an enormous invisible army of people around you, you just dont see them. We all see the happy couples wheeling their kiddies through the park as an extra human being is pretty easy to spot. If we had a secret code for fertility challenged people that could be spotted in public (wearing a certain type of tshirt shirt or something) imagine just how many people you would spot in a day!!! Just like couples with kids talk, or people who have dogs talk, we would finally be able to see each other and very very cleary recognize each other and share a common bond (and share proposed baby names for example 🙂 – Hang in there.
Another thought – if each day in the past has not been successful then each day forward is a day closer to a possibly better result! So keep going forward!!!
July 17, 2009 at 5:07 am
I REALLY understand! It’s so hard to be “happy” and move on when you’ve lost twins (or one for that matter) and trying again only to be shot down sucks. I am sorry!!! Ra, ra, ree kick ’em in the knee. Ra, Ra, rass… you know the rest!
July 20, 2009 at 11:21 pm
Martha, sometimes we can be sooo hard on ourselves. This is NOT an easy ride. People endure far less and complain! how about us. What you have had to endure is a tragedy…losing your sons was a terrible devastating thing to occur. You can’t lose sight of what exactly we are grieving here. This is a long arduos process – so you take your time.
i love what misterivf said about having an invisble army around you – you can count on me-i’m a soldier