Passing Me By…

July 13, 2009

The world around me keeps moving forward and I can’t.  I don’t know what’s happened in the last 2 weeks that has made me feel as bad I did when we first lost the boys.  I can’t shake these overwhelming feelings of sadness and loss and hopelessness.  Maybe it’s because everyone around me is having a baby.  Maybe it’s that their due date is approaching again.  They would be a year old in 3 weeks.  Even people who have lost babies are getting pregnant again.  Why not me?  How is this my life?  How the hell did I get here?  What did I do to deserve this?

The Clomid didn’t work this month.  I spent the whole weekend crying.  I haven’t cried as hard or for as long as I did on Saturday and Sunday in a really long time.  It was the “crying so hard you gag” sobbing that some of you may be familiar with, the strangled sobbing that makes the puppy curl up next to you out of fear that something is really wrong with you…luckily, the eyelashes seem to have stayed put.  The same words keep running through my head, “the boys were it.  They were the only children you are going to get.  You blew it.  You some how screwed this up for you and Hubby.  You don’t get any more babies.  You can’t afford adoption and  IVF won’t help you.  You are done being a mother.”

It’s sad but that’s the truth – that’s what is going on in my head.  I’m losing hope.  As much as I know people are rooting for me, praying for me, and comforting me…I just don’t know how to hang on anymore.  I just keep remembering how stupidly happy I was when we got pregnant with the boys on the first try.  So stupid of me to think that things would work out.  I should have twin year old baby boys right now.  I don’t.

I have one more month of the Clomid but I’m not taking it this month.  My ability to predict ovulation has been really off (no idea if it was the tests or me or what) and Hubby will be out of town the last week in July and first week in August so I figure, we do it before he leaves and if ovulation happens after, well, so be it but we won’t have wasted the last month of Clomid on this cycle.

I doubt I will ask the doctor for anymore unless Hubby wants me to, I just can’t keep riding this roller coaster anymore.

The “it will happen when it happens” policy isn’t working for me and there is nothing anyone can do about it.


8 Responses to “Passing Me By…”

  1. Tina Says:

    I am so sorry you are having a rough time right now. I hope your pain lessens and you are able to stay positive about your future. Thinking of you.

  2. Kelly Says:

    I’m so sorry that you’re feeling so down. It’s perfectly understandable as you have been through so much and especially with their due date coming up and with others having babies, etc. It sucks. Hang in there and try to be good to yourself.

  3. Kate Says:

    *hugs* I teared up reading this. I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling. You didn’t blow it. It f-ing sucks what happened to you but you did not blow your only chance. You didn’t.

    Have you talked to a therapist? For me it was the only way that I stayed sane and remain sane at the moment. It took me a few tries of soe not so effective ones until I found one who really got me and its helped me a great deal.


  4. myndful Says:

    It seems totally normal to me that, given all you have been through, you would return to this hellish emotional place, especially at a time like this. I am so sorry that you are suffering and wish there was something I could say that would make it better. Of course, I know that isn’t possible. Do whatever it takes to help yourself whether it be taking sick days, seeking therapy (I’m considering it and I haven’t suffered a loss; it has helped in the past), or whatever. Take good care of yourself.

  5. iamstacey Says:

    I’m so sorry this was such a hard month. It’s ok to be sad. You’ve gotta do what’s right for you, whether it’s taking a break or stopping Clomid altogether. Give yourself time.

  6. Amy Says:

    I am so sorry. It is not fair. My heart aches for you and I wish I were around to talk with. Please know I am thinking of you and sending hugs to you.

  7. Abby Says:

    I’ll be thinking about you in these next few weeks. My boys would have been 1 year birthday was Easter Sunday. I won’t lie. It’s a hard day!!! It’s hard to have hope, but don’t be too hard on yourself (or your husband!)

    Maybe you can do something in your spare time to help grieving families or babies that are suffering? If you want ideas email me! It’s really helped me through this past year or horror.

  8. steve Says:

    i know how you are feeling as my wife and i are facing the same situation as i am a balanced robertsonian translocation. going through the end of the IVF cycle and not much is going well, many people will never truly know how hard it is to deal with this situation, hope everything goes better for you guys than it has for us, good luck

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