Hiding

July 9, 2009

I’ve been hiding.  I admit it.  Except for a few select people, I don’t want to be around anyone.  I’ve been bad about returning calls, answering emails, accepting invitations.  I’ve used the excuse that I’ve been busy with work – which is partially true.  With several people being on vacation, I have been busy but that’s not the total reason.

I’m tired of hearing about this person is pregnant or that person just had their baby…it’s hard on me.  As much as I want to be that person who can rise above all of the pain and grief that I still feel and be happy for someone else…I can’t.  And honestly, I am too tired to pretend anymore.  If that makes me a bad person, that’s fine, I can live with that.  I’m protecting myself and while I hate that some people’s feelings are going to get hurt, I’m too sad and too broken to care anymore.  Congratulations and call me when it’s over.

And I realize that separating myself from people is not good.  I get that.  Particularly with the depression looming over me.  But honestly, I am tired of being the only person at the party with no kids.  I swear to God, if I hear one more person say, “I went off birth control and got pregnant the next month!”  Guess what?  So did I.  The boys still died.  Or I just love when the conversation drifts to, “oh and when I was delivering…”  Just once, I’m going to pipe up and say, “really? I don’t remember that but that could be the massive amounts of morphine that was coursing through my veins so that I would actually NOT remember delivering two dead babies…”

See, probably shouldn’t be around people anyway….

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8 Responses to “Hiding”

  1. Kelly Says:

    You have to find a way to cope with your situation, and I think staying away from pregnant people or kids is a perfectly reasonable way to do that. I do that sometimes as well. Hang in there.

  2. Angela Says:

    I feel ya – I know EXACTLY what you mean. I don’t know why people bother to invite me to their baby showers anymore, I feel like saying “there’s no way in HELL i’m going, and if you knew how i felt, you wouldn’t invite me” but of course, they have no clue, so I stay away from people too. the weird thing is that i work with children, which gives me some comfort in some strange way. but the latest P.O.S. that i’m dealing with? yeah, my cousin just got engaged to his girlfriend and they will be married next may and they can’t WAIT to have babies! i’m surprised she’s not pregnant already. i just wanna crawl under a rock and sleep til everyone goes away. so, i know exactly how you feel – you’re not the only one. you go ahead and keep hiding and dealing with it the way you want to, no one has any right to make you feel any different about this situation.

  3. Gretchen Says:

    I love you! Big Hugs coming your way. Let’s do lunch when you crawl out of your rock and I promise, I’ll only talk about the chickens!

  4. JBBC Says:

    My neighbors on either side of my house have little baby girls and with the good summer weather I can hear them outside all the time. It is breaking my heart so I understand how you feel. Chin up x
    http://diaryofamiracle.wordpress.com

  5. iamstacey Says:

    It’s ok to hibernate. Take care of YOU. {{hugs}}

  6. Kate Says:

    I had a similar experience a few weeks ago. I cried the entire way home after listening to conversation after conversation about labor and childbirth, etc etc. Some of them even knew about my miscarriage and infertility struff. You’ve been through more than any person ought to go through. Hibernate as you need to. *hugs*

  7. amy Says:

    Yeah, everything you said. Sending hugs and a thanks for the iced coffee you drank in my honor today. I miss our Friday chats! I’m going to need one whenever it is I get back. Sounds like you need it too. Good therapy for both of us I think. It has to get easier one of these days….. or not….. who knows. I do know I am thankful for your friendship and I’m thinking of you in your hibernation.

  8. Jaded Says:

    there are several bloggers that i have followed and then when they go on to actually have full-fleged living babies i pretty much fall off the face of the earth and don’t really post on their blogs. it’s self preservation. i know for certain these bloggers understand me. and if people in real life don’t understand well…they can just shove it.


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