A Good Night’s Sleep…

July 8, 2009

I’ve never been someone who sleeps well.  Even as a kid, I would sleep sporadically.  In college and law school, I required 4-5 hours a night (of course, there were naps to be taken too).  I take a long time to fall asleep and my mind is easily distracted particularly because I worry a lot.  People laugh when I tell them that I am usually in bed at 9:30 or 10:00pm because it will take me a good hour or so to finally pass out.  I think that’s why when I do falling asleep, I sleep like I’ve got earplugs in…nothing will wake me it seems…I go through cycles where I do okay and then I will have bouts of fitful, fragmented sleep.  Maybe this happens to everyone…I don’t know.  Reading before bed helps, so does consistent exercise…

I mention this because when we initially lost the boys, my biggest reaction was the lack of sleep and that didn’t surprise me.  Take a person who already doesn’t sleep well and throw in the weighty grief of losing two children and of course, I’m not going to sleep.  The result?  You get one tired me.  And when I did finally sleep, I would dream the same dream over and over.  Little baby boys crying and I couldn’t find them.  I would search and search and they would be just out of reach to me…telling isn’t it?

Last night I had a new version of the dream.  This is the first time in months, I’ve dreamed about them.  I was standing on a cliff, screaming their names…at the top of my lungs, I was screaming for them.  I woke up about 4 times last night with the same dream over and over.  Needless to say, I didn’t get up at 5am for bootcamp this morning.

And I feel like crap today.  Not only because I didn’t sleep worth a damn but I am obviously, completely and totally disturbed by this dream.  I can still feel what it was like to stand on that cliff and want my boys so badly.  Screaming for them.  I know they aren’t lost, they are dead – I know that – but to me, it feels the same, I guess…

I don’t know what to do with this today…


7 Responses to “A Good Night’s Sleep…”

  1. iamstacey Says:

    What an awful dream. And what a rough day. Aaargh, I’m so sorry. {{hugs}}

  2. JBBC Says:

    oh you poor thing – my heart goes out to you – I feel so sad reading of your pain. I just saw your comment at my blog – no wonder you are obsessing! I am sending you loving thoughts and kindest wishes x http://diaryofamiracle.wordpress.com/

  3. myndful Says:

    I too am not a “good” sleeper. Very sorry about the dreams. I’m no Freudist, but I do believe that dreams are the mind’s way of manifesting our feelings into something tangible so that we can more easily deal with them. As time passes, I imagine those dreams will get more fleeting. In the meantime, I am sorry that you are having them. Wishing you a restful night’s sleep with no painful freams tonight.

  4. Kate Says:


    I’m so sorry to hear about your dream. I hope you are feeling better.

  5. lillyshephard Says:

    such painful, exhausting and necessary grieving…i’m sorry it’s been a difficult night followed by a difficult day…which i’m hoping isn’t followed by another difficult night. with care, lillian

  6. Kelly Says:

    I can relate to your difficulties with sleep but not to your dream. How upsetting for you. I hope you can find some peace (with the dream situation) soon and get some better rest.

  7. Frances Says:

    Wow what an intense dream! I can certainly understand how this dream could be unsettling. I’m always searching for meaning in my dreams, so I tried to do the same for yours. I went to my usual place: http://astrocenter.astrology.msn.com/msn/dream-dictionary.aspx?Af=-1000 and this is what I found.

    The Cliff
    Standing on the edge of a cliff indicates obstacles ahead that can only be averted by taking risks. If you jump off the cliff, you’ll choose to take those risks – and if you land safely, all will be well. But if you fall off, you’ll feel you have no choice.

    If you are the one doing the speaking, this is a dream of contrary. Again, it’s a message from your Higher Self that you need to understand. If you are giving the message to others, the message is designed not only for you, but for those close to you as well.

    If the dreamer is shouting to someone, it represents a desperate need to reach that person.

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