Clomid Grumpies….

June 16, 2009

I think I am experiencing some side effects from the drugs.  I lost it yesterday when we were in a rush trying to get somewhere and I was having a hard time getting something together for our appointment…thankfully, I settled down and apologized to Hubby.  I think he understood.  This morning, EVERYTHING and EVERYONE is irritating me, just grating on my nerves….I’m not normally a grumpy person (actually since the Wellbutrin, it’s shocking to see me experience any kind of physical manifestation of emotion – I really have to be hurting to cry).  In addition, I have some cramping on the sides of my abdomen.  It’s not horrible but it’s not comfortable either…

So this is month is round 2 of the drugs and it’s gotten me thinking about when I got pregnant with the boys.  What did I do differently to get pregnant on the first try?  What was so different then from now?  We had moved to a new city and into a new house, we had very few money concerns for the first time, I was exercising like a crazy person – losing about 15 pounds, and I actually thought to myself, “this is the first time I feel like things are finally falling into place for us.”  In the past, Hubby and I have really struggled.  You have no idea how we have struggled.  We once moved and for 8 days, we had $1.19 in our checking account.  We had food, we had gas, dogs had food, and we had a roof over our head but we only had $1.19 to our names. 

So what’s different now?  I am working out 3 times a week at fitness bootcamp.  I love my house and while Hubby was laid off, I’m not overwhelmingly concerned with money issues.  We are getting by just fine with our savings and my salary. 

Could my grief and guilt be causing me so much emotional distress that I can’t get pregnant?  The last time I was pregnant for any length of time was in December, right before Christmas (interestingly, the EXACT same time I was pregnant with the boys the year before).  That’s how I knew things were going south with that pregnancy, I wasn’t experiencing the same symptoms in the same intensity as with the boys (yes, it’s different with twins but trust me on this, I knew).  So it’s been 6 months since any lengthy pregnancy and I am concerned and worried. 

Neither of those things are good for baby-making.  So what do I do?  The therapist says good self-care is key here.  Okay, I’m taking care of myself.   I exercise, I read, I lunch with friends, I’m going on a mini-vaca to the mountains with Hubby for our anniversary.  What else can I do?   I have this need to do something and I don’t know if just surrendering to the notion that “it will happen when it happens…” is something I can do.

This has dominanted my life for so long now that I am wondering if it’s time to walk away from the struggle and just “let go…”

Thoughts?  Insights?  Anything?  Anyone?


8 Responses to “Clomid Grumpies….”

  1. Frances Says:

    lengthy e-mail to come later this afternoon…LUMLD

  2. Kelly Says:

    I can remember having similar side effects when I was on Clomid. It’s not fun to add emotions to this already challenging time! I also went through the “what am I doing wrong?” questions. But, for me, I just had to come to the realization that I don’t get pregnant easily (3 pregnancies in 4 years) and that even when I do get pregnant, there’s a really good chance that it won’t stick. As strange as it might sound, it was actually comforting to me to take my body, emotions, and anything else out of the equation, and know that I can’t control the situation. (This is a VERY difficult concept for me (I am such a control freak), and I still struggle with it, but I do know, intellectually, that it’s not under my control.) It is not my fault.

    With all that said, prior to the BT diagnosis, when we were dealing with regular old infertility, it was when I went to therapy and started working on my mental health that I finally got pregnant. Who knows if there was any connection, but I know that my mind and my body felt better, so maybe it had something to do with it. It sounds like you are working on those things with therapy, exercise, vacation, etc. Hang in there.

    • mkwewer Says:

      I think you are saying exactly what I have been struggling with these last couple of days. I can’t control the situation. We know what we are doing (obviously if we’ve been pregnant 6 times in 18 months) and when we are supposed to do it. I guess I need to just let go and embrace the “it will happens when it happens” philosophy, sort of the “whatever” policy of fertility….thanks. It’s nice to know I’m not crazy….

  3. iamstacey Says:

    It’s definitely the Clomid. It’s intensifying any worry or nagging doubt you had to begin with. Last round of Clomid I was worrying in the back of my mind that I wouldn’t be sexy to DH after having babies. Then one day he remarked that the bra I had worn that day made “wrinkles” on my boobs, and I heard “You have wrinkly boobs” and OMG I cried all day. Poor DH was beside himself, he didn’t mean anything by it. I’d wait ’til the Clomid is out of your system before evaluating whether or not you want to keep trying. It’s too important to decide on a Clomid bender!

    • mkwewer Says:

      I definitely want to keep trying. My “giving up” was more coming to terms with not being able to control the situation and just letting that fact go. The hard part is how to do it? Thanks for your help. It’s nice to know I’m not crazy….

  4. Kate Says:

    I’m having a heck of a difficult time coming to terms with the situation that I have no control. It is so difficult. I don’t think its stress that causes us to suffer from IF. I read a LOT about it after ppl kept telling me to be easy on my self and not stress too much. There is no link. Why is it then? Sometimes there’s no answer. Thats’ the toughest part.

  5. Marilyn Litt Says:

    I think it helps a little when you know the meds are affecting your mood. Having said that, I just went off my cholesterol medicine because it was making me cranky. I am going to discuss alternatives my next physical.

    Definately being relaxed is a factor in getting pregnant. How to find that feeling is a challenge. It is one of those things that slips away if you look to hard.

    Writing probably helps you. The vacation may help too; provided you can relax. Possibly you need to surrender that “need to do something.” That would certainly be difficult for me. I am the kind that wants to tinker and fix things. Well, maybe you can do that for just a few days in the mountains. Have fun on a porch in a rocking chair! Watch a gorgeous sunset or sunrise!

  6. Maricel Says:

    “Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be.” 🙂 How many Clomid a day do you take and for how many days? DO you drink coffee? Cut on that. Even soda. And yes, continue working out because it’s a good way to de-stress.

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