A Little Philosophy….

June 2, 2009

I have to marvel at the way life works.  There is definitely a give and take to this existence and for some reason, I am seeing it very obviously all around me and it’s given me pause for thought….as an example, let me tell you about all that happened in one day…

A good friend from high school is in the middle of a personal crisis.  She’s down, she’s feeling bad and she doesn’t know what tomorrow will bring.  She sent me an email telling me this and I could hear the pain in her writing.  I hate that I can do nothing for her except offer a shoulder and a hug. 

Another good friend sent an email that she is engaged!  Beautiful ring, great guy, great girl, total happiness is sure to abound!

A chat board friend from the Yahoo! Group for people with balanced translocations sent an email that her baby had arrived a little early but was alive, safe and healthy.  No translocation whatsoever.   This is a woman who has talked me through the super-ovulation process (that’s how she came to be pregnant with her baby) and without her, I wouldn’t have had the information or courage that I did to speak with Dr. S about going on Clomid.  Babies are always cause for celebration but in most cases, a little part of me is sad that it’s not me having the baby.  Here, that’s not the case.  I’m not sad at all…I know what this woman and her husband went through to get their little girl…

Finally, another lost baby mama is dealing with a very sick family member.  It seems like as soon as things start getting good for her, something else comes along and pushes her back down.  She worries that this may be the end for her loved one….

Why am I telling you this?  This four situations caused me to reflect on losing the babies.  I long ago stopped looking for meaning in their deaths.  I’ve accepted that it happened, they are gone and I can’t get them back.  I don’t like it but I’ve accepted it.  I’m pissed about it, I’m sad and angry but I have accepted that this loss is just a part of our lives. 

I just wonder though, when that doctor was telling me that Baby A was dying, was someone else finding out their baby was going to be okay?  When the doctor was telling me that Baby B had no heartbeat, was some other doctor saying to some worried mother, “oh there it is!  That’s your baby’s heartbeat!”  It wouldn’t make me feel any better or worse to know that was the case (and obviously this is all just conjecture because how would I know?) but it was just something I wondered about this morning.  How much is the universe really connected?  Is this push and pull individual – meaning for every bad thing that happens to me personally, does something good happen? (If that’s the case, I’m so ready for the good stuff, come on now, bring it on!)  Or is it something that the universe has to balance – one person dies, another is born….

Welcome to the mind of a lost baby mama….it’s a scary, scary place….


8 Responses to “A Little Philosophy….”

  1. Kelly Says:

    I think I know what you mean about wondering about how much the universe is connected, etc. I am not a religious person but I have spiritual beliefs. While I am not happy about all that I have been through on this family-building journey, I do believe that it all happened for a reason. (What that reason is, I’m not quite sure yet…) That gives me some comfort.

  2. Freda Says:

    I have to say, you put into words the foundation of my belief in this world. The world is one of ebb & flow, Yin-yang.

    In high school, I had a good friend get into a motorcycle accident. He went on life support. When his family realized there was no hope, they decided to donate his organs. Specifically, there was a need for his heart. In the tragedy of losing my friend, I thought about the family that got the good news that a heart was available for transplant. I still think about how happy the family must have been.

    I also like the thought of Jason’s heart still beating out there somewhere.

    Sorry if this is a sad story, but it perfectly sums up my belief in this world.

  3. Karla Says:

    I don’t think your mind is scary at all. I liked reading your philosophical thoughts. I think that the universe does balance out good and bad, but not always in the way or in the time that we expect or want. If every time something good happened to me, I knew it meant something negative was happening elsewhere, it would be pretty depressing. So I think there is an ultimate balance, but not a “cause and effect.” And kind of unrelated to the philosophical, I think it’s great that you have a wide circle of friends around you who share their hard times as well as their joys. You’re a good friend!

  4. KB Says:

    The more I think about it – the more I just notice that there is so much paradox in life and that the Universe is filled with chaotic randomness. It would be so much easier and perhaps less uncomfortable to live in either/or – all or nothing – but instead we learn to recognize and deal with ambiguity – with life in the gray – with shades of colors that are neither one nor the other. And because of that we learn to wrestle less and release the struggle that plagues many for much of their lives.

    Lately, I’m happy and sad, sometimes in the same breath. Tears of sorrow and longing, are accompanied by smiles of joy and eager awaiting. I’m learning to be OK with not being OK – to wonder and miss – and be grateful and hopeful all at the same time. It can feel weird and kind of painful, so I try to allow and embrace it as best as I can.

    I don’t know if it is any easier than where I was before – back in January – there have been new times of terror and fear – it is just different. Certainly there have been days where I thought, “Why the hell did I think this was a good idea again? I can’t do this!”

    Also, I don’t think your mind (or mine for that matter) is scary. It might be contemplative, perhaps on topics that most would trade for a root canal rather than deeply explore – but not scary. Familiar.

  5. Kate Says:

    Interesting perspective. Who knows what the reality truly is but its good to explore these various questions.

  6. caitsmom Says:

    A scary place, and sadly so familiar. I think these “big thoughts” on a regular basis. It seems so normal when one has experienced what we have experienced.

    I too believe that we are all connected in some way. I’ve let go of discovering the push and pull, surrendering to what another of your readers described as “chaotic randomness.” I’ll continue to think about it, but also allow myself not to need to know or discover an answer.

    Thanks for this post. It pushed me to articulate a few more thoughts from my journey. Peace.

  7. lillyshephard Says:

    have you heard the new dave matthews band song about this very phenomenon? thought provoking…

  8. Jaded Says:

    wow. you are thinking just like me. i thought only i was weird, 😉

    but really, i do beleive in the idea that there is a sort of ‘balance’ and of course karma, you can’t forget karma.

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