Being Honest

April 28, 2009

I answered a question in therapy last night honestly and opened up Pandora’s box.

The Dr. J said to me, “you know that you will have another baby, right?’

I didn’t answer her, so she asked me again and I told her, “Today?  No, today I don’t think that it will ever happen.”

Well that touched off a firestorm of Hubby and Dr. J telling me about self-fulfilling prophecies and the power of positive thinking and Hubby was angry with me because he thinks that if I’m not positive, we won’t stay pregnant.

I told him that when I do get pregnant, every minute of every day I think to myself, “please stay with me, please stick, please, please don’t go…”  I think, “this is the one, this is going to be the baby that stays with me…” And it doesn’t happen.  But I try not to get discourage – we try again with the ovulation tests and the timed sex.  That’s positive, right?

But some days…oh, some days I just can’t do it.  I can’t be positive.  I was positive that the boys were going to be fine.  I was cheerful and upbeat all the while my little boy was dying.  When I lost Baby A, I remained upbeat despite the pain of losing one of my babies, the agony of only knowing him for 18 weeks.  Like a lamb to the slaughter, I walked into UNC thinking that I was over-reacting and that I would be going to lunch with Hubby in an hour – him teasing me about being a hypochondriac.  And then Baby B was dead.  Don’t tell me about being positive all the time because some days, getting out of bed is the best I can do.  Positive got me nowhere with the boys.  I was positive that the universe wouldn’t take my boys from me and guess what?  They died.

I guess I am a little angry about this situation.  I feel like I have let Hubby down by admitting this to him and I hate disappointing him.  But that’s a lot of pressure to put on me, requiring me to be positive all the time, telling me that if I think for one minute that I won’t have a living baby that I’m causing it not to happen.  I have a genetic disorder, that’s what is causing the miscarriages and I’ve finally come to terms with what that means.

And about being positive…Every morning in the shower, I say an affirmation.  I say: “We will have a living baby.”  Somedays I cry because I want my boys and some days I think about babies-to-be…

That’s the best I can do right now.  That’s all I can do right now.  That’s going to have to be enough right now.

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11 Responses to “Being Honest”

  1. Kelly Says:

    I’m sending you a big hug! You have been through an incredibly difficult series of events, and I can relate with the feeling that there might not ever be a light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve found (for me, anyway) that it’s best if I let myself have these feelings and process them. I do believe a little bit in the power of positive thinking, in that I think being balanced and relaxed can only improve life. However, you and I both know that the most positive person in the world can’t change the balanced translocation issue. Hang in there.

  2. Frances Says:

    You are doing everything you can. And right now the level of positivity you have is enough, it’s enough because it’s all you can muster. Maybe someday that will change. But you are working on becoming more positive and that is all that matters. They also need to understand just what you’re up against. Emotionally, Physically the demands, the expectations are so much higher. If the subject comes up again perhaps you can remind them to help you by surrounding you with positivity. The best anyone who loves you can do is surround you with positivity. Then maybe someday your level will rise thanks to their efforts.

  3. Erin Says:

    I am so sorry for your grief. I have enjoyed getting to know you through the balanced translocation group and I am amazed at how positive you are despite what you have gone through.
    My mom told me this morning that she hoped I was taking time to grieve, and I feel that I am, but that I’ve been grieving Charlotte since the moment she was diagnosed more than four years ago. Most of the time I am positive, I am positive about Charlotte’s life and how she has changed me, positive that one way or the other we will have more children, but I still need to grieve, and sometimes that means being negative.

  4. amy Says:

    You are doing your best and being positive all the time is pretty impossible and unreasonable. I used to believe in positive thought as a means to an end. Think and envision the outcome you want, send that energy out, and get what you want. Piss on that now!!! Seriously, I just can’t buy into it. Not that being negative all the time is good, no, of course not. But you get your down days and that does not make a pregnancy stick or not.

  5. Jaded Says:

    that is more than enought M! getting out of bed is a royal b*tch for me.
    yesterday my mom calls and asked i was ok and if there was anything new. new? no. same grief and the same void every day…today i wake up and i suddenly feel better….that is the life of a dead baby momma.

    just.one.big.maybe.

    and still if i had to place my money on it, i would bet that you and i will succeed and have healthy beautiful babies. go figure!

    • mkwewer Says:

      Thank you so much for your insight. Some days are good, some are bad, right? And yes, I would take the bet that we will have healthy babies too. I’m optimistic even if I’m not always positive.

  6. KB Says:

    Do I think being positive helps? Yes. Do I think you must be positive all the time? Nope. I think you could honor your feelings, thoughts and fears by identifying them as such, acknowledging them for what they are, not judging them and then letting them go. I know for me I have to let my thinking, including the scary thinking have its time and say. And I need to have my feelings heard and validated as the my inner truth of the moment. And I need to work to let these thoughts and feelings go and figure out how to live in shades of gray – being positive and nervous at the same time. Hoping for the best, while releasing the need to cling to the desired outcome.

    This probably isn’t anything you don’t already know, perhaps just a reminder.

    My husband was and continues to be more positive than me. It might just be different for them. He gets frustrated with me and my at times freaked-out thinking. Oh well. I’ll let him be the keeper of the light when I can’t. That’s why there are 2 of us in a marriage – to balance each other – to support and carry each other and we take turns with that.

    THinking about you. XO

  7. mrwcase Says:

    First off, thank you for your corrections and comments @ http://sorryforyourloss.wordpress.com/. We are very thankful 🙂

    Also, did you ever name the boys that you lost? Numerous mothers and counselors say that giving them names makes it more personal and helps with the coping process instead of using ambiguous terms such as Baby A.

    Also, it is understandable for your husband to want to stay positive, but it is not healthy to put that sort of pressure on you. Stress is obviously not good. Being open and honest about your feelings and making steps to being more optimistic is much better than feeling guilty about having doubts now and again. You having doubts sporadically is not going to cause another miscarriage, so don’t buy into that lie and burden of guilt.

    You and your husband will be in my prayers 🙂

    • mkwewer Says:

      Thanks for your comments. The boys do have names. I don’t share them on my blog because it’s something that, right now, is just too personal. When I speak with my therapist and close friends, I do use their names but I’m still at the stage that when I say them, I cry.

  8. Lisa Says:

    I don’t think being positive is all it’s cracked up to be. I think it’s a convenient way for the ‘haves’ to blame the ‘have nots’ for their misfortune.

    When things come easily to you, it’s easy to pat yourself on the back and think it’s all your doing. It’s hard to understand ‘why bad things happen to good people.’ We need explanations, and therefore people think they are at fault. Not true. Things–good and bad–often just happen.

    I was never more negative when I was pregnant for the fifth time (no previous success) and while adopting. Our adoption process was in jeopardy and I had never had a living child! It was a normal reaction. I was having anxiety attacks my mental state was so fragile. In the end that is the only times we were successful.

  9. Kate Says:

    My therapist has not said this… he readied me that it could happen again and we discuss my loss and coping through another pregnancy with the constant fear. I guess everyone advises differently. You have every right to be scared and a bit “negative”, though to me, your fears are based on what you’ve experienced. You are world weary, not negative. But that’s just me.


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