I Lit the Fuse…

April 21, 2009

Now let’s all watch the bomb go off….

My mother sent me an email over the weekend that simply said, “I miss you.”  That was it.  I didn’t respond because I was still very angry about the Easter confrontation and the manner in which she handled it.  I knew that I needed to say something to her about the way that she and I have been relating to each other lately.  I admit that I am not totally innocent in this situation.  I have not been honest with her about my feelings and I have, at times, given in and rewarded her negative behavior.  I knew that I needed to talk to her before therapy last night.  We are still in the midst of the Mexican stand-off in terms of phone calls so I responded to her email.  Here is what I said:

My therapist said I should write you a letter so here goes.
See, I miss you because you are my mother and I love you and I need your understanding and support right now.  Instead, I get passive/aggressive behavior like the conversation we had before Easter.  You didn’t ask me to come for Easter.  You assumed I was coming and then got angry with me when I told you we weren’t coming.  I understand that you were disappointed and I’m sorry for that.  You didn’t ask me why we weren’t coming.  I had to lie to you because you didn’t have enough respect for me not to call me at work and get upset with me.  I couldn’t talk about the reason why we weren’t coming in the office.
That week before Easter was a really bad week for me but you didn’t remember that was the when I delivered the boys.  The worst day of my life and you didn’t remember.  And that’s fine.  I understand that it may not have had the same effect for you as it did for me.  But that and the fact that I had a miscarriage over that weekend, that was the reason why I didn’t want to come for Easter.
In addition, your repeated comments that you are “ordering a girl next time” have often made me feel like because they were boys, my twins didn’t matter to you.  That hurts me.  I understand that you were disappointed they were not girls but I am not.
I feel like I can’t trust you because when I call to talk to you when I’m having a bad day, you call Tim.  The one time I reached out to you because I was in so much pain, I couldn’t breath, you repeatedly asked me what was wrong.  You know what’s wrong.  Then you tell me not to cry.  Why in the world would I not cry?  And then you called Tim.  If I wanted to talk to Tim, I would.  I have no problem talking to Tim.  I wanted to talk to you.
My boys died a year ago and I’m having a hard time.  I’ve had 5 miscarriages in the past year and I’m tired, physically weak, and emotionally exhausted.  For a little while, there are going to be times when you want me to visit and I can’t.  It’s not because I don’t love you or I don’t want to see you or Tim is keeping me from you.  It’s because I don’t feel good – emotionally or physically.
I don’t want to lie to you anymore and I’m not censoring my conversations with you.  If you say something that hurts me, I’m going to tell you that you’ve hurt me and I will just deal with the silent treatment that will likely follow. 
I love you and I wish we could have the relationship that we used to have but right now, I would just settle for being able to be honest with you and not have you get angry with me or behave as if I have done something intentional to hurt you.  And if I do hurt you, I assure you that it’s not intentional.
Yup, I sent it yesterday about 3:45pm.  That large “BOOM” that you all heard here in the South, that was me, blowing 9 years of passive/aggressive crap wide open.
God, I feel nauseous.

15 Responses to “I Lit the Fuse…”

  1. Kelly Says:

    Good for you! Mothers are an interesting beast, aren’t they?

  2. Gretchen Says:

    Good for you! I think this is a great step forward and I’m very proud of you for sending it.

  3. Freda Says:

    Thank GOD! You said what you feel needed to be said. Do you know how many people don’t do what you have just done and continue to live in misery??? I am PROUD OF YOU for standing up for yourself and PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST!

    I hope the response you receive from her is positive. I hope she doesn’t ignore it or write you off as being irrational. You are not irrational and you have every right to feel how you feel.

    Good for you. I love ya!

  4. Maricel Says:

    It’s a good thing you sent that letter. Sometimes, years of being “silent” and having those pent up emotions do us no good. But this is a great step! Goodluck to you dear Martha.

  5. Erin Says:

    I think your letter is honest and good. Nothing wrong with that. I hope you get a good, understanding, healing reponse from your mom. My parents made a lot of dumb mistakes when I was carrying Charlotte. They have since mended their ways and we are closer than ever. Your story makes me so sad. I am so sorry you have this path to walk. Just know you aren’t alone.

  6. Courtney Says:

    I think that was a good letter. You were honest with your feelings but not particularly accusatory.

    I hope your mom responds in an appropriate way. If she does not, trust that you did what was in your own best interests by being honest with her- and taking care of yourself is important.

    Do let us know about the fallout. I’m keeping good thoughts for you.

  7. Melissa C Says:

    I can’t imagine the courage you had to have to sent your mom that letter, that was a very good thing. I’ll be praying for you and for her – that she can see your words as your way of reaching out and letting her know how you feel, and not an attempt to hurt her in any way.
    So proud of you 🙂

  8. Amy Says:

    Good for you. I know how sick to your stomach you must feel after clicking the “send” button. But you had to say those things for you. I hope your words sink in and your relationship with your mom can begin to heal.

  9. Sarah Says:

    WOW, good for you. It takes a ton of courage to do what you did.

    The words of your letter really spoke to me… except in my case, it’s my sister, not my mother. It’s so hard to explain to those who haven’t been there, and there are times when I question if some people even WANT to understand — it’s like feeling would be uncomfortable for them, so they choose not to.

    Thank you for your comment on my blog — I hope you don’t mind that I added you to my blogroll?

    • mkwewer Says:

      Thank you and I have been following your situation with your sister…of course I don’t mind you adding me to your blogroll, I added you to mine. Actually, I owe you. Your blog made me take action to write the letter. I read about how you lost your mother and I know that you would give anything to have her back. I don’t want something to happen to me or my mother and have our relationship be where it is now. I am hoping that the letter will move us in a positive direction…fingers crossed…

  10. panamahat Says:

    Hi. I just found your blog through one of my regulars (new year, new ute). I haven’t read ALL your posts yet, but I just wanted to say, gosh, well, tons of stuff! Like: awesome move writing to your Mom; so sorry to hear you have recently suffered another miscarriage; incredibly sorry to hear of your loss of the boys, and I can’t imagine how exhausted the last year has left you.

    I am going to add you to my blog roll and look forward to catching up on all the posts I’ve missed so far…

  11. niobe Says:

    I really, really hope this works for you. My mother had a somewhat similar reaction when I lost my twins two+ years ago. Three weeks after it happened, she couldn’t understand why I wasn’t over it already. I wish I had the courage to confront her, but I’m a complete coward about those things and, with my mom, I know it would just make things worse.

  12. Jaded Says:

    this is an incredibly honest letter. i hope your mother sees the love and honesty you are offering her. i truly think it is beautifully written.

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