Tomorrow

April 6, 2009

Tomorrow is the day that my boys were born.  Baby B probably died a couple of days before that but I was too frightened to tell anyone he had stopped kicking.   I woke up crying this morning, I haven’t done that in awhile. 

My dreams of staying pregnant this month seem to be all but over since all of the symptoms (sore breasts, no period, headache, nauseous, funky taste in my mouth) that I have had for the past 2 weeks started to dissipate yesterday and today.  Still no period but I imagine it’s only a matter of days….Hubby was reluctant to have me pee on a stick this weekend because he didn’t want to be disappointed.  I guess he was right.

I think I just need start accepting the fact that I am a mother to my two boys and that’s it.  They were my one shot.  I’m not getting any younger and while no one said this was going to be easy, no one told me it was going to be this hard.  I think it’s fair to say that I’ve had it harder than most everyone I know (save the people who are “my people” of course) and honestly, I don’t know how much more the universe can ask me to take.  I realize that this sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself and maybe I am but I’m tired.  I’m just tired of it all.  Everytime I think I have a victory, the rug gets pulled out…

I’m tired of the disappointment, the sadness and the anger.

I borrowed this post from someone else…I really like it.  I hope it helps other people. 

http://klboone212.wordpress.com/2009/04/04/i-sent-this-to-my-boss/

I’ll post tomorrow for Baby B but I’m probably done for awhile.

I don’t know what else there is to say.

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8 Responses to “Tomorrow”

  1. brown-eyed-girl Says:

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. **hugs**

  2. Amy Says:

    I’m so sorry. It is unfair and it is alright to feel bad, sad and whatever else you are feeling for yourself right now. I wish your boys were here. I wish you could stay pregnant… I really hope you are still pregnant. The roller coaster you are on is exhausting, no doubt about it. I’ll think of you tomorrow. I’ll think of your boys tomorrow too. Sending love and hugs to you.

    Let me know if you need a face to face talk this week.

  3. Melissa C Says:

    Oh hon, I’m so sorry you have to go thru all this. I really wish you are still pregnant and that you get another shot at being a mother again- I know that you have so much love to give. I’ll be thinking about you, your hubby, and your boys this week. Love and prayers for you

  4. Kimberly Says:

    I will be thinking about you the next few days – as I do everyday.

  5. Frances Says:

    You, T and the Boys will be on my mind tomorrow (much as they have been these past few weeks) And I am hoping and will hope for as long as I have to, that someday you will be given the chance to be the amazing mother you are again. While I’m not one of “your people” Each and everyday I think of you and those boys and I am reminded that I owe it to you to appreciate with every fiber of my being the great gift I have been given. You will now and forever be the strongest, most courageous mother I will ever know. (no matter where the road takes you in this life my wonderful friend)

  6. stacey Says:

    You are in my thoughts for this anniversary. I’m remembering your precious boys. I am so sorry you can’t hold them in your arms today, but I know they will be in your heart forever.
    Thinking of you.

  7. Jaded Says:

    i’m a phone call away…and i have pretty much said and felt EVERYTHING in your post. you have the right to feel this way. i wish i could talk you out of it, hell, i wish i could talk myself out of my misery. you have had it so hard…there is no sugar coating it. women like us have had to make tough and loving decisions and have had the weight of the world on our shoulders, most parents have never been confronted with even a fraction of what is on our plates. rest well Martha.

  8. Kate Says:

    *hugs* I don’t know you but my heart aches for you.

    “while no one said this was going to be easy, no one told me it was going to be this hard” <– truer words never spoken.


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