Over Everything.

March 12, 2009

I first need to thank everyone who sent cards and emails and gifts and poems on Tuesday.  I really appreciate all the love and sentiments I got.  I would love to call you all and tell you personally what your kind words and thoughts did for me but I am just still too much of a mess…I can’t even think about it without cry…I am so tired of crying.

Which brings me to the title of my post.  It’s all just too, too much to deal with, I am over everything.  This week was the week I lost Baby A, Harley was sick (and that resulted in a $500 vet bill), we had $800 in car repairs (totally jeopardizing our trip to CA for my Dad’s wedding) and Hubby is losing his job tomorrow.  It seems like every time we get a little bit ahead, we get knocked down again.  I feel like I can’t seem to catch a break.  Hubby is sad and depressed too, I can tell.  He tries to shake it off but I know he’s worried about us as a couple, money, having another baby.

I called Dr. S on Monday to get another prescription for Wellbutrin.  I had been taking it after losing the boys but when I got pregnant in December so I took my last one and stopped taking it.  The prescription has now expired.  As of last night when I went to pick it up at Walgreen’s, the prescription had not been called in.  Seriously?  When I said that I needed an anti-depressant again, I really wasn’t kidding but please, take your sweet time in filling it.  Really, it’s okay, I’m barely hang on here but no, no, you take your time in getting me something to make me feel a little less hopeless and a little less sad…as you can see depression brings out the sarcasm in me.

We are leaving tomorrow to go to PA to visit Hubby’s people.  Unfortunately we won’t be able to stay until Monday like we had planned since Hubby’s Chemistry final was scheduled for that day.  The much-dreaded, much-anticipated meeting of the infant niece will not happen…a whole therapy session and $40 wasted on discussing that, not to mention the blow out fight Hubby and I had that preceded the therapy session….

But I am trying to get excited for the road trip.  It’s a long 8 hour drive from NC to PA but I like being in the car with Hubby and the dogs.  I like listening to NPR and discussing things with Hubby, playing crossword puzzles, rationing gummy things to Hubby so he doesn’t eat them all before we get out of the State.  I’m going to Target at lunch to get some “supplies” for our trip to make it fun for us.

I just feel so lost.  I have to force myself to email people, keep lunch dates, smile when people tell me good news.  I know if I don’t, I will become isolated and even more depressed.  I am exhausted at trying to drag myself out of this funk.  I can see no light at the end of the tunnel right now.

This is bad, isn’t it?

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8 Responses to “Over Everything.”

  1. iambrowneyedgirl Says:

    **hugs**

  2. Laura Lohr Says:

    Many wishes for a trip better than anticipated. Many, many hugs and kind thoughts for you and Tim.

  3. KB Says:

    Bad? Nope. Sounds normal.

    You’ve been dealt a really crappy hand, more than once. It would be bad if you weren’t talking about it anywhere. I would be really worried then. I am concerned, but not worried. If you weren’t bathing, weren’t leaving the house, weren’t at least faking smiles – I’d be worried.

    I know you don’t feel like it, but YOU ARE OK. I wish I could hug you right now.

  4. Jason Says:

    Thank you for sharing your story.. I’m so sorry for you and your husband’s loss. March 1st would have been my sweet angel Nicolas’ third birthday. The anniversary of his birth and death this year was very difficult for me. See he was stillborn after being tucked away in his momy’s belly for 41 weeks. He was a healthy baby boy, it’s just the dr.’s didn’t diagnose a velementous cord insertion. I know what you and your husband are feeling and the path we walk is a long and difficult one. Please keep a strong support network/group close to you and keep communications with your hubby–very important. I just stumbled upon your blog and had to say you are not alone. There are a lot of parents and resources out there but are not readily available. I am working on building a database of information and websites to help make it more accessable to families who have lost children. I plan to have my blog up by this weekend and hope that it will help. Please check in on us at http://www.hanamiprints.com. My wife and I have a few references now on our resources page and plan to grow the list tremendously during the upcoming week. It’s great to see you have some very supportive readers. Take care.

  5. Jaded Says:

    is this bad? yes it is Martha. But you know what’s worst already – you have already been to the end of the world and back so you can get through this ‘bad’. it’s funny i should even say that, as i always want to shoot people when they tell me that. because i don’t want to deal with things and more, so what if i can ‘cope’, it doesn’t mean i want to. today someone sent me a wonderful email at work and it was about how life has all types of seasons and not to give up in our ‘winter’ because our ‘summer’ or ‘spring’ and all it’s bounty could be just around the corner. and that keeps me going – sort of like the carrot hanging by a string…
    alas…i am so sorry about your hubby and the job. just weeks after losing Daniella i was ‘fired’ i just looked up at the sky and questioned the universe and felt like the crappiest hand ever was laid before me.
    i won’t tell you to feel better. but i will tell you that you are well understood by many on here, and that your time along with hubby’s will come.
    i have sometimes wondered about my marriage and it’s strength and wondered if ever we will have a baby and blah, blah, blah. and it’s just soooo much. too much to think about for my fragile head. so i look at everyday as a battle in a long war. i just focus on today and thank the universe that somehow – even without my girls i got through yesterday.

    by the way, you can call me whenever you need to – my offer won’t expire. ok, time to get off your blog. seriously – this must be the longest comment ever!

  6. Amy Says:

    I’m sorry life is so damn hard right now.

    Next Wednesday 1:30ish at Starbucks? A listening ear and a hug? Let me know….

  7. tntstanifer Says:

    Oh girl, this is bad, but to be expected. This is a really hard anniversary to get through and with all the extra crap piling on, it can seem unbearable. Please know I am praying for you and hubby.
    Hugs,
    T

  8. niobe Says:

    I don’t know if this would work for you, but I know that, sometimes, when I’m sad and tired, I just stop fighting it for a while and give myself permission to not talk to people or try to be happy. Sometimes (for me, anyway) working to make myself feel better paradoxically makes me feel worse.

    After I lost my twins, I withdrew from the world for a long, long time — didn’t talk to anyone, didn’t return phone calls or emails, didn’t even look for the light at the end of the tunnel.

    (obviously, if this isn’t something that you would find helpful, just ignore me or tell me to shut up and pretend I didn’t say anything. You and your boys are in my thoughts and prayers)


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