I’m Blah.

February 12, 2009

That’s the only way that I can describe it.  Blah.  Hubby and I had a fight last night about when to “do it” and how often to “do it” and my expectations and his expectations.  It’s never a good idea to have that conversation when you are both tired.  I feel like he thinks this is too much work and he feels like I putting too much pressure on us to make this happen THIS month.  I can’t go into the Week of Boink with a “whatever” attitude.  Hubby has told me in the past that he wants us to be positive.  Okay, so I go into Week of Boink with an attitude of “it will happen this month!” but should I also be resigned that it might not happen?  I just don’t know how to do both and I hate fighting with my husband over sex.  That’s just ridiculous to me.  And I hate the OPKs and I don’t know if they are working.  I can’t tell when I am supposed to ovulate anymore.  It seems like multiple losses have really screwed up my cycle although, I must not be too bad at it since we keep getting pregnant.  I think that ovulation is happening today since I have some cramping….sigh.

I asked Hubby what would happen if I gave up – if I told him I was done, this is too hard and I am too tired.  He said that we would have a big problem because he wants children with me and the fact that I am the baby-incubater would complicate matters.  I’m not giving up yet and I don’t really know why I asked him that.  I think maybe it was to gage where he was in the whole process which is a crappy “woman” thing to do but I was afraid if I asked him outright if he was done, he would yell at me for accusing him of quitting and not being committed to having a baby.  Hubby thinks that I am trying to beat the Translocated Chromosome, which is, of course, a fight that I won’t win.  I thought I was resigned to the fact that we just need to keep trying and we will get pregnant and have a baby eventually.  I guess I am still stuck in the “why me?” phase.  I wish this wasn’t my life.

So where are we?  Well, if wishes were babies then my house would look like Brad and Angelina’s house…other than that, I just want to be a normal couple that has sex and makes a baby.  How to make that happen?  No idea.


6 Responses to “I’m Blah.”

  1. hisaak Says:

    Entering “that week” can produce so much pressure – I think everyone who has lost babies and is trying to make another finds it so stressful. It’s awful, it’s not fair … just our reality.

    Praying that this month might be it for you guys – a baby that sticks 🙂

  2. Gretchen Says:

    Hang in there…we found Astroglide for the days we just had to, but didn’t want to!

  3. Amy Says:

    What?!? Having sex is supposed to result in pregnancy, then babies? I am becoming skeptical….
    Seems some women think about unprotected sex get pregnant, then gloat about how easy it was. Ugh.
    The week of boink, I like that! Just exiting our week of boink into the week of “am I, am I not, am I, am I not?”

  4. stacey Says:

    I’m sorry about the “blahs” and about all the stress that this struggle puts on a marriage and sex life! It certainly is not an easy existence from day to day. Sending hugs your way.

  5. whataboutmyeggs Says:

    I totally feel you on that sister. It seems weird to argue about when or when not to “do it.” I have to admit at times, I’m sure I made my hubby feel like a sperm machine. I was raged at times, and could only think about him doing his deed so we could conceive. I feel a little bad about it now, but I know he understands, and I’m sure so does your hubby. Good luck with “boink week,” I love that saying by the way. 🙂

  6. KB Says:

    Hey Babe, take a gigantic breath, nice and slow, through your nose. Let it out w/ a big sigh. Repeat.

    Your post sounds very familiar to me last weekend (as you know per my e-mail) and this week. I took hubby to counseling w/ me on Thursday. We were given assignemts by our therapist that included a trip to the adult entertainment store, alcohol, experimentation and some other things for us to do to heat our marriage back up and take some of the stress/pressure out of this whole mixd up mess. Really, we both know that it feels like an extremely cruel punishment to mix the greatest pleasures with the greatest losses.

    My therapist also suggested that I don’t tell hubby about the OPK when it is “time.”

    Maybe ou both could go for a couples massage. I hope your VD was awesome!

    Hugs, Kate

    PS – Don’t use Astroglide, alhough it is a good choice, it isn’t sperm friendly. PreSeed makes a couple different options that truly are sperm safe. 🙂

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