Looking Back

February 10, 2009

I thought the due date or the first Christmas without them would be the hardest.  Those dates have been hard but the boys weren’t tangible then – they never made it to August or December.  Those weren’t times when I had the boys.  Right now, this is hard.  I remember that this week last year, we had an ultrasound and they were doing great.  I was 15 weeks.  They were right were they needed to be in terms of size and heart rate.  They scheduled me to come back in 2 weeks and we would know the sex.  I didn’t even know they were boys yet.  I would rub my belly and ask, “are my little beans boys or girls or one of each…”  I had started telling people I was pregnant because I couldn’t hide my belly anymore.  I remember that Hubby took me for a nice dinner for Valentine’s Day and that night I got the flu.  I was so freaked out that the babies would get sick until I read in my book that the flu virus doesn’t pass to fetuses.  Turns out, that was the least of my problems.

Instead, Hubby and I are trying to have a living baby and hoping that we don’t miscarry for the 4th time.  I am trying not to be bitter, I am trying not to look back and think, “why me?’  I’m trying but like having a baby, I’m just not succeeding.

I don’t think about them every minute of every day anymore, only every other minute.  It’s not as hard to get up in the morning.  It’s not getting better, it’s getting easier.  I’ve just adjusted my life to living with this pain.  I imagine this is what it’s like when an athlete has a chronic injury and just has to push forward.  You work through the pain, I guess.  I still can’t see newborn boys without wanting to cry.  I still can’t walk through the baby department at Target or Walmart.  I still can’t walk into the room in our house called “the nursery” – I haven’t been in there since May, the day we moved in.

I want some new baby memories, not to replace those old ones because I love my boys but I just don’t want to hurt anymore.


5 Responses to “Looking Back”

  1. iambrowneyedgirl Says:

    Sending you lots of **Hugs**

  2. hisaak Says:

    Oh hon, thinking of you. I always explain it as “like having something amputated” – I have learned to live with it, but am always very aware of what I lost.

    Sending hugs your way.

  3. Angela Says:

    I know how feel – you KNOW I know how you feel! Especially today – today is my 2 year wedding anniversary and it would have also been our baby’s 1st birthday.

    Thinking of you…

  4. Jaded Says:

    “I don’t think about them every minute of every day anymore, only every other minute”–> i couldn’t agree more, this is where I am. trying to resist the urge to feel sorry for myself and asking why all the time, trying not to eat a pint of ice cream every night as well.

  5. tntstanifer Says:

    I know you don’t want to hurt anymore. I know. Hugs! I pray you get through these rough days quickly, and that you get past this most awful anniversary and on to more hope-filled days.

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