Back to the Starting Line

December 31, 2008

The results of my blood test came back yesterday, my HCG is back to zero.  It was a complete and totally uneventful miscarriage according to the nurse.  Really?  Uneventful huh?  That’s really great.  I guess that I can be glad that I am good at losing pregnancies…it’s something, I guess.  I know what she meant but still, not what I wanted to hear.  She’s very nice but I think she’s not quite sure what to do with me when I answer her honestly.  I’m sorry but if you ask a woman who lost her twins 8 months ago and just had a miscarriage about her Christmas, you better be prepared for the answer.

So despite the general medical edict that “you should wait a cycle before trying again,” we aren’t waiting.  While there is some theory that your body needs time to health in terms of the lining of the uterus but that’s generally if you are much further along than I was and haven’t been taking pre-natal vitamins for 3 years.  There is no medical support behind this reasoning and the only information I can find advocating a one-cycle wait is to allow the couple to grieve.  Okay, well, here’s my thought on that.  The doctor who thinks that I can grieve over another loss in ONE CYCLE, is no longer my doctor.  Dr. T said, “wait if you want to or don’t.”  I was 6 weeks pregnant.  Yes, I had grand plans for names and nursery colors but in light of the last year, I promise you, a month is not going make a damn bit of difference in my emotional state.  My emotional state was screwed right around April 8th.  What me, hubby and our emotional states need is a living, breathing baby.  I have read all these articles by people, who, I am willing to bet money, have never lost a baby that say, “don’t try again until you are prepared to deal with another loss.”  Really?  How many of you out there go into any pregnancy thinking, “I’m going to be fine if this baby dies.”  Really, people.  That’s in unrealistic burden to place on someone who lost a baby or for that matter, anyone wanting to have a child.  You jump into having a baby with hope and optimism and if you are lucky, you don’t end up like me – you get your shiny, pretty, living baby.  If you’re not and you are my people, well, you cry, you scream, you shake your fist at the universe and you say, “WHY?” and then you stand up and you jump into having your next baby with hope and optimism that this time, it will be different.

It’s a new year, I want a baby with my husband and if I don’t get back on the horse (so to speak…), fear and anger are going to take over and I won’t ever get my baby.  I’ll be too scared so I am not waiting one cycle or three cycles or until I am ready to face another loss.

Boinkfest 2009 here we come.

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10 Responses to “Back to the Starting Line”

  1. Karla Says:

    I’m so sorry about your miscarriage, Martha. I say go ahead and boink away; you will always know what’s best for you and your own doctor said it’s OK. I will be rooting for you. Not that my instincts mean anything, but I have a really good feeling about 2009. I wish all my friends the best for the New Year, but I have a very specific wish for you and your hubby, that you get exactly what you want. You take care.

  2. hisaak Says:

    May Boinkfest 2009 be the lucky one for you 🙂 So sorry to hear about this last miscarraige … I was so hoping that silence on that front meant good things.

    Thinking about you and all the babyloss mamas out there as we deal with ringing in a New Year tonight, hoping it will be yours.

  3. Maricel Says:

    I am sorry to hear that you had miscarriage. The title of your post is clearcut in saying that you have so much hope for the future. I’d like to tell you again how lucky you are, despite the miscarriage and stillbirth, you know very well YOU CAN GET PREGNANT. While me, oh well.

  4. gretchen Says:

    I’m so sorry. I know you need some fun, so I’ve tagged you (go to my blog for details) to remind you that there is still a Christmas out there. I’m sorry for your loss and I know this seems insensitive, but you know I’m coming from a good place!

    Love you!
    G

  5. Kim Says:

    Hi, I too had a miscarriage right before Christmas and my daughter was stillborn in June. We must not give up and blessings to you in having a healthy fullterm baby.

    🙂

  6. rosesdaughter Says:

    I had a missed miscarraige right before thanksgiving and a d&c the first week of december. I’ve been researching and searching for the reason behind the “wait a cycle” edict. I haven’t found any consistancy anywhere. Waiting to begin TTC again seems like punishment. So, we will be actively going for it. So, I understand exactly how you feel. Exactly.

  7. whataboutmyeggs Says:

    Sorry about the miscarriage, but good for you for taking control. I remember when the Dr. told me that we could start trying again when I was finished grieving. So in that case, I guess I’m not sure when I’ll ever be ready. You have all the right to be sad, angry whatever until whenever, but you also have the right to good ol baby making boinkfest. 😉 Good luck in 2009. (hugs)

  8. Melissa C Says:

    So sorry to hear about your miscarriage. May your Boinkfest 09 have great results for you both!!! Will be cheering for you, and wish you a much better 2009, and that you get what you wish for this year 🙂

  9. tntstanifer Says:

    I’m so sorry you miscarried. I agree, don’t wait! Keep plugging!!! Hugs to you!

  10. Jaded Says:

    I’m sorry you lost your baby and especially sorry that i only wrote about it now.
    i’ve also heard all of that jazz myself. I was told to wait a year after Daniella. I was like ‘yeah ok’, we started trying 4 months later and then we decided to put it on hold.
    I have heard wait one cycle for every 2 months you were pregnant…i’ve heard a lot…
    but one thing is certain: you can never prepare for another pregnancy loss; you can only get through it…somehow…
    I hope 09 is your year.


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