Weight of My World

December 29, 2008

I am sure, if you are my people, you understand what I am about to write.  There is a part of every one of us that feels guilty about our infertility, miscarriage or stillbirth.  You can tell me that it’s not my fault but until the day that I die, I will feel bad about everything that has happened this year.  I will blame myself for the loss of the boys, the subsquent miscarriages (yes, there  has been more than one, it was the weekend before Christmas and my holiday was ruined, why ruin yours too?).  Every time something bad happens, I think to myself, “I promise, next time I will do better.”  I don’t know if it’s simply because we are women and that’s how we are hardwired or if it’s because we are the ones in the equation that are responsible for carrying the baby.  Or in  my own personal situation, is it  my genetic issue that will continue to cause me to miscarry until one of the embryos doesn’t have the genetic issue or has it in the right “combination” that will allow it to survive (like the boys had but of course, as a bonus, they didn’t live for other reasons)?  Or maybe I am just not used to failure.  I am here to tell you, it’s exhausting to feel so guilty all the time.  

And I am not alone, I know that there are other women out there that feel a ton of pressure to do everything “right” and guilt when something goes wrong.  They have to take drugs, time sex perfectly, then race to the clinic for blood draws or insemination and then in the end, if something doesn’t work, they take it upon themselves that they failed somehow.  They search for an answer when they have a loss.  I admit it, I thought I caused the death of Baby B by not resting enough.  We went looking at a house when I was on bed rest, did that cause his death?  Of course not and I have a report to prove it.  But I thought it.  Every time I got a negative pregnancy test, I would say to hubby, “what did we do wrong?”  And he would have to remind me that we didn’t do anything “wrong,” it just didn’t take this time or a loss at 6 weeks is almost always indicative of a genetic issue.  That has to be exhausting for him too, constantly reassuring me that it’s not my fault.

I can’t do it anymore.  I can’t feel guilty for something that may be my “issue” but I have no control over.

I will have a living, breathing, healthy baby eventually, I am not giving up and I am not going to feel guilty after every single negative test or loss.

Anybody got any ideas on how I can accomplish this?

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One Response to “Weight of My World”

  1. angela Says:

    i’m sorry about the week before christmas. 😦 and unfortunately, i have no clue how not to feel guilty ’cause i still deal with it too. now i’m at the point where “oh this would’ve been her first christmas” and “oh, she would’ve been turning one in a little over a month.” yeah…it doesn’t get easier. i’ve tried, and i wish you didn’t have to deal with it too.


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