Just Tired.

November 12, 2008

I haven’t posted in a while and it’s not because anything bad is happening it’s just I’m tried.  I’m tired of being sad, being disappointed and being depressed.  I’m tired of trying to talk myself into all the things I should be grateful for, it isn’t working.  I want a baby badly and I keep having these “false starts” which I knew would happen but still, doesn’t make life any easier.  On top of that, I don’t like my job – I’m not fulfilled by it.  I got my head bit off this morning for trying to save the firm $250.  Screw that.  Of course, who said life had to be easy right?  Well, you know what?  I would like life to be tolerable for a few months.  Just tolerable.  I had this stupid notion a year ago of “everything is perfect.”  My mistake.  I won’t do that again.

I’m grateful for my husband, my supportive friends and my cute house.  The rest, not so much to be grateful for….

I spoke with the nurse yesterday, my HGC levels are at 0 again so it was either a chemical pregnancy or a miscarriage but either way, I was pregnant and now I am not (which we all knew so it wasn’t a huge shock).  Again, yeah for getting pregnant, boo for not staying that way.  Dr. T said to go on and try again this month, no reason to wait. 

Can I borrow someone’s positive attitude?  I seem to have lost mine sometime around April.

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4 Responses to “Just Tired.”

  1. KB Says:

    Yup, ditto, understand, feel tired too. It is a lot of hard work and you’ve been doing a really good job. Give yourself a break from everything for a little bit. You’ll swing back into gratitude mode and positivity. You will. Try to trust the process. I’ve noticed w/ myself that when I go from “feeling good – doing great -everything is getting better” to one of those awful, slap me in the face, where did this surprpise moments/days/weeks of “feeling like shit again – can’t stand it – I hate this” I eventually come out of it and then I feel somewhere in the middle and overall I feel a little better, maybe a little less edgy and perhaps a little more able to surrender to the hard fact that so much of this is far beyond me and “my control.”
    You’re doing a great job! You are.

  2. KB Says:

    PS – It ain’t easy, though! This week I’ve been reminding myself of this: I wouldn’t go to the gym one time and expect to come out w/ 6-pack abs, right. So, why would I expect myself to “feel better” overnight? I know it sucks to feel shitty day in and day out – but you are going to the emotional gym and doing well. Remember, too, that muscles in conditioning and weight training need times of rest and recovery – well, if we’re thinking of our emotional work in the same way – emotions need rest and recovery too!

  3. jaded Says:

    i could have SO written this post. in fact, i wrote a very depressing one recently. just felt like total sh*t. just so very tired. tired of trying to be positive and seeing the bright side. we are absolutely entitled to feel this way, the hope is that in time we get through the very low funk and get to at least “tolerable”, as you stated. hang tight, your day will come.

  4. Amy VanKleeck Says:

    Our Caleb was stillborn 8 years ago now. I had the first meltdown that I have had in years tonight when I was watching television. There was a woman on the show who did not get a baby that she expected to adopt. She was sitting on the floor of the nursery next to a crib full of baby stuff. So, I just came to find someone to encourage tonight – and to acknowledge that I am a survivor of stillbirth and that it did define me in many ways. I remember sleepless nights when I would clutch the blanket that had been wrapped around Caleb. I remember sitting at the computer posting to strangers at all hours because my friends just didn’t get it and because I felt the need to look strong.

    It won’t leave you lonely forever ladies. But it will change you forever. You will laugh again and mean it. You will be able to walk into a store without being frustrated that others are going on with life as though nothing is wrong. You will be able to sit in a room full of people without feeling alone. I still cannot be still. I don’t like it when it gets too quiet and I am home alone. I leave to go do just about anything I can think of. I have become a workaholic and I am working to be comfortable being still. So I am not really here to tell you that all will be fine and that this will go away. But I do want to tell you that it will get easier.

    I am sorry for each of you that is just beginning to walk this path. I hope you will find peace and the encouragement that you need.

    Amy


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