October 31, 2008

So here I am, sitting at my desk at work, feeling totally lonely.  I have friends – lots of really good ones actually – but I feel like I can’t say, “I am sick and tired of being the only one with no baby, this fucking blows.”  I mean how do you say that in conversation.  Plus I would just break down and no one wants to see that.  This is when I would plop down in Suzanne’s office and whine.  Suzanne is 3 hours away.  Maybe I need to meet some people with no kids.  I don’t know.  Maybe this is because I am sick and don’t feel well.  Everyone in the office is treating me like MORE of a leper because I have a cold so I have not spoken to a soul in 3 and 1/2 hours.  Maybe this is because “dot” (thanks Jenn-Jenn) was supposed to come this morning and I am too scared to test (I don’t feel pregnant – why waste the money and get my hopes up).  Maybe this is because Halloween is my favorite holiday and I don’t have my boys to dress up.  I don’t even have costumes for the dogs.

I’m tired of this.  Every month I am disappointed.  We have two more months of au naturale and then I want some drugs.  If Dr. T won’t do it, I will find someone who will.  I want to be tested and then I want drugs.  I’m calling January 2nd.

I’m just tired of this feeling like I’m never going to have another baby.  I’m tired of wondering how I got here.


2 Responses to “Lonely”

  1. whataboutmyeggs Says:

    It’s a weird place to be, I know. Maybe that’s why they place large bowls of candy in front of us so that we can drown ourselves in forbidden sugar and chocolate…of coarse, there is always a chance to dress up like a slut and get away with it!! See, even the hubby could benefit. Good luck!! I’ll be wishing for 2 pink lines for you.

  2. KBunsey Says:

    It is kind of lonely time, isn’t it.

    I was sad last night while hubby and I were out to dinner. There were people everywhere with strollers and new babies in carriers – all the ‘we got pregnant around Christmas’ people like me. I was sad today too at the park thinking, “I wanted to take baby for walks in her stroller and spend lazy days in the park.”

    It sucks!

    I was telling hubby, too, how I almost feel more frustrated in the in-between stage of “Am I pregnant or not?” – this stage is equally challenging b/c you just don’t know how to be, pregnant and focusing on being pregnant or trying to be pregnant and unsure if you are yet and so you’re thinking, “Should I have a glass of wine or not” – “Does mowing the lawn on the tractor impede implantation? of a fertilized egg” “Did I keep the pillow under my butt long enough after sex?” “What exactly does ovulation feel like?”

    And each time that something stupid happens like webmail ate the memo I spent a half hour tying to my boss I feel enraged, like, “I don’t want to do this right now – I want to be playing with my baby!!!” Arrrghhhh!!!!

    I get it. It ain’t easy. Give yourself a break and keep writing. Don’t let your emotions get bottled up. It is hard to balance between being bottled up, letting things out and then being obsessive about getting knocked up and feeling totally miserable in the meantime. I’m trying to figure out how to be content in the meantime, b/c also I know that once I am pregnant – I will probably be totally nervous and anxious. So this probably is a good time to practice receptivity, trusting and patience – Calm abiding and contentment.

    I know it isn’t easy though.

    Hey! And don’t forget about your 100 Reasons and gratitude. It will come easily to you again – it will!

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