Being Positive

October 22, 2008

So Hubby says to me this morning, “how do you feel?  Do you think we made a baby?”  I said, “I don’t know, I feel positive, I feel good but I just don’t know.”

You see, as much as I write about me here, I do have a wonderful husband who wants a child as much (sometimes I think more but only because he doesn’t have to experience childbirth) as I do.  He suffered with the loss of our children as much as I did, just in a different way.  All of my dreams and hopes for our boys, well, he had them too.  He used to tell me about how he would imagine them in the backyard, the three of them digging for worms or looking for frogs and turtles, that he wanted a pond at the house we just bought so that he could teach them about fish and frogs and turtles, that they would love animals as much as we do.  I know that the day we lost Baby B was the worst day of his life.

In my effort to try and evolve from this grief, I am trying to be more positive.  I am trying to smile more, think good thoughts, be hopeful.  Not think about the fact that if he had married someone else, he probably wouldn’t here, in this moment, with 2 died babies and a wife who desperately wants to get pregnant and that as much as I love him – make no mistake, he is my heart – if given the chance, I would turn back time and refuse to marry him so he would find someone else and be spared this grief.  I’m crazy aren’t I?

Instead I will focus on the fact that without this loving, caring man, I wouldn’t have survived this loss.  I wouldn’t be here right now.  I would have curled up and died.  Without my husband, my perfect karate-doing, animal-loving, sweetheart of a husband, I would have given up.  I am thankful for him and grateful for all that he has given me.

I will be positive that the love I have for him will translate into a baby for us.

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2 Responses to “Being Positive”

  1. keystoclaritycoach Says:

    Maybe you were meant to be married to this wonderful man, so that you could be there for each other.

    lovingly,
    Coach Louise

    http://www.lifebalanceinfertilitycoach.wordpress.com

  2. Maricel Says:

    That’s the spirit! Oh, I really hope everything will turn out ok with you. Happy thoughts!


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