Weepy Today and A Bit Literary Too

October 21, 2008

I’m weepy today and I don’t know why.  I’m tired and being tired makes it worse, I know that.  I’m grumpy too.  Lately, I go through short bouts of forgetting what happened to us (like an hour or two) and then I remember that my boys are gone and it’s like it just happened yesterday.  There are tears, anger, and pain and it’s just as fresh as it was 6 months ago.  I don’t know if this is some stage of grief where your mind starts wanting you to forget so you aren’t in a constant state of sadness or what (if anyone has any insight into this, I’m all ears) but damn, this is rough.  Friday, I burst into tears on the way home from work for no reason.  I had to ride around the block so Hubby wouldn’t see what a mess I was.

And it’s not everyday either.  It skips a couple of hours, maybe a day or two and then jumps up and smacks me in the face.

I have been reading a book called “A Map of the World” by Jane Hamilton.  I probably shouldn’t be reading it because of the subject matter but there is a particular line in there that I read yesterday that struck me:

           “Isn’t it terrific,” she said, righting herself, “how much a person can cry?”  She looked out at the woods, the tears running down her face.  “Isn’t it phenomenal how long it goes, and then there’s this period of the strangest clam, grace it must be, and then it comes on again, all that sorrow and you feel as if you’re not a big enough – vessel – to contain it?”

I have often thought this to myself – not quite as eloquently but I have thought, when will it end?  Will I be a year from now with tears in my eyes at the thought of them.  Will it always hurt this bad – this intensely?  Will the grief be this BIG?  Will these short periods of “grace” become longer and longer until I can remember this pregnancy and these babies with fond memories?  I want to always remember them but this overwhelming pain associated with those memories is a pain that I cannot endure forever.  I just can’t. 

Anyway, it’s a good book so far but I’m not sure I can finish it.  The hard part is over (at least in the book).  I will let you know what I think.


One Response to “Weepy Today and A Bit Literary Too”

  1. keystoclaritycoach Says:

    I am so sorry for your loss, its very apparent how deep your wound is and probably will be for a long time. Its ok for you to feel sad, you are going through the grieving process, and the way you are feeling is normal, if one could ever describe your circumstances as ‘normal’. No, it won’t hurt this intensely forever, the pain eases with time. But your process of grief does not have time limit, so don’t pressure yourself to be a certain way or feel as tho’ you have to ‘get over it’ because of pressure you might be feeling from people around you. Surround yourself with supportive people, and avoid the ones who are not. You need positive and nurturing support while going through this. Think about focusing your energy on doing something positive for yourself, so you’re not constantly focusing on your loss. But feeling the loss, is important, to be able to move through it.

    Coach Louise

    PS Having special death certificates made is a beautiful thought and might be cathartic for you during this period.


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