Just Keep Swimming….

October 7, 2008

Kelly and I went swimming yesterday.  We are both endeavoring to “get fit” although she looks great after having Katherine last year.  I, on the other hand, feel a little pudgy and weak.  There are several things that I realized after our swim session yesterday that I thought I would share.

It was painfully obvious that I have not been in a pool to vigorously swim (not just splash about) in about 5 years.  I’m thinking the last time was our place in Charlotte with the pool in 2003 or 2004.  I was slow, my technique was terrible and I was out of breath in just a couple of laps.  Michael Phelps, I was not.  I used to be good at this.  I used to enjoy swimming on a regular basis at the Bally’s Fitness in Pasadena.  I was on the swim team in high school for Christ’s sake.  I was comfortable in a pool.

Last night, I would struggle to get back and forth across the pool, panicking when I fought for breath.  I couldn’t get the timing right, I couldn’t just “go with the flow.”  I was fighting for every stroke forward and dreading the return trip.  I didn’t even attempt a flip turn.  I was uncomfortable in my lane, in the pool and in my swimsuit.

Sound familiar?

Yesterday’s trip to the pool was a lot like these past couple of months.  I’m struggling to pull myself through this grief, fighting for every good day, pulling for even a glimpse of a happier time.  I panic when I feel like the grief is going to over take me and I grasp for air.  Just like I can’t give in to the stroke and the cool water washing over me, I can’t stop worrying about getting pregnant again.  I can’t just take that “let it happen when it happens” attitude.

In that pool I was flopping around – just like I am in my life.

But I will say this.  When I got out, I felt better that I had done it.  I had pushed myself forward, swimming as hard as I could for as long as I did.  I had propelled myself through the water, on my own, because it’s what I wanted to do.  Maybe this is the antidote to yesterday’s feelings of hopelessness and surrender.  I actually want to get back in that pool.

And I want to get back to life.


2 Responses to “Just Keep Swimming….”

  1. angela Says:

    and you will get there. i know, it’s cliche to say, and believe me, i know how it feels when everyone keeps telling you to keep your head up and it will get better soon – you just wanna slap the silly out of them! how could they possibly understand the grief you have been through with your boys, unless they’ve been through it too? well, you know that i’m one of your people, and you KNOW i understand how you’re feeling…and i hope you know that i mean it when i say it WILL get better one day. the pain will never go away, don’t expect it to. but just know that there will come a time when it gets a little easier to deal with. of course, there will be days when it feels like you are going through it all over again, but again with time, you’ll be able to deal with it.

    keep swimming!! 🙂

  2. KB Says:

    Have you picked up Yoga Journal this month? It has a yellow cover. There is an article written by a yoga teacher who struggled w/ infirtility – and while that is NOT what you have – she talkes about some of the similar feelings and thoughts that you (we) experience in all of this. The internal chaos of wanting, wanting, wanting, being obsessive and impatient. It was a short article and I can’t remember the name exactly, something with Light in the title. There was this beautiful part in the article about the baby having a say in when it is born to the mother, i.e. being a participant in the “schedule” if you will for getting pregnant. I found it helpful an added it to part of my care plan for my own times of impatience and internal chaos.

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