Love Letters

October 2, 2008

I wish I could post the emails that I get from my dearest friends but there is a selfish part of me that wants them all to myself.  I cherish them like they are little expensive chocolates given as a gift and I don’t want to share.  I savor them, looking at them over and over until I finally devour them.  These notes are so special and so wonderful that every single one has made me cry.  The people who send these notes – Karla, Deb, Jess, Jenn-Jenn, Angie, KB, Gretchen, Frankie, Judy, Lou, Marilyn, Cindy and many others – they write down their warm thoughts and hopes and wishes for me, taking time from their own busy lives, jobs and families, putting aside their own happiness and problems to make sure that I know that they love me and miss me and hurt with me and for me.  These notes are little gifts.

I used to feel lonely in my grief.  When this first happened, I felt all alone and frustrated – like I wrote about in yesterday’s post.  I obviously still have days like that.  I would wrestle with bouts of hope and sadness, happiness and anger.  I was starting to feel a little bipolar.  I tried my little “gratitude list” where I would repeat things I was thankful for when the voices in my head turned dark and negative.  It hard though, to try and talk yourself out of the negative.  I am my own worst critic, my own worst enemy.  That inner voice can talk me into a full blown meltdown quicker than even my mother – and that’s saying something.

So upon reading a really wonderful, mascara-ruining, snot-icle creating (snot-icles are my hubby’s word for when you cry so hard that the snot hangs out of your nose like an icicle – a “snot-icle”), email this morning from Deb, I am taking these “love letters” and I am printing them out (what? You think I deleted them? Oh no…never) and I am carrying them with me in my purse.  When that voice of doubt and sadness and anger and pain starts shouting to me, I am pulling out my love letters.  When those feelings of sadness and self-doubt and worthlessness rear their ugly heads, I’m reading my letters.  Even if I have to pull over on the way home from work, I will do it.

Besides, reading these letters are better than muttering to myself in Target like an escaped mental patient.


One Response to “Love Letters”

  1. KB Says:

    Am I “KB?” I hope so! I thought about you at Target today as I walked smack into the diapers. I didn’t even need to go that way in the store – stupid!

    Yesterday I walked into a classroom to talk w/ a teacher friend and a little girl, a fourth grader looked up from her desk, happily smiled, “Hello Mrs. Bunsey” and asked, “How is your baby?”

    The stuff is there. It gets us when we least expect or want it to. So, keeping those notes in your purse is an excellent idea!

    And I am such a liar, liar, pants on fire I’m TOTALLY on my blog today. OMG – I can’t go a whole week w/ out the computer.

    A friend of mine will soon be joining the sisterhood and I had to get on the computer. I just did. I’ve been working on her care basket all day. And I’ve been working on me too. I’m going back to the mall now – when in doubt, retail therapy at least gets me nice stuff.

    I am grateful for YOU!

    Don’t feel bad about muttering in Target. I dropped things and tripped in front of a cute clerk in World Market and then I broke a bottle top in Bath and Body Works. Shit happens.

    I know you’re trying to move on and to move forward, but, honestly, it hasn’t been that long. You really loved those little boys. Just remember that it is LOVE that does this to you. Remember this when you feel all crazy and have snot-icles hanging off your face: You loved your babies and you want to love a new baby probably more than you have ever wanted anything in your whole life and THIS IS BIG STUFF!

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