October 1, 2008

I don’t want to say this but I feel like I’m not pregnant.  I had such high hopes but I just feel like, for some reason, it didn’t happen this month.  That, coupled with the fact that I feel so unattractive right now.  I’m not in the best shape, I’m weak and flabby.  I’m very quick to come to tears today and did so at the end of yoga class (it’s the stress being released but it’s still embarrassing).  I find myself giving up on things.  Or not even wanting to do things.  Every ounce of strength, physical and emotional, seems to be gone, just drained out of me.  I feel done, spent.

And the stupid thing is, I went to book club with Robin and had a blast.  I talked about fun stuff like boobies and plastic surgery and had in depth conversations about politics with really smart, funny women, making fun of Sarah Palin.  It was exactly what I needed and what the old me craved and would have just revealed in.  I talked to people, made conversation, experienced only a tiny bit of anxiety when I walked in but that was it.  It was fun.

And now today, I’m barely hanging on to my sanity here and it’s pissing me off that I’m so easily frustrated and discouraged like this.  The old me would just shake off this melancholy and taken the dogs for a walk.  This “after loss of babies grieving me” can’t get it together.

I just feel so ridiculous.


3 Responses to “Frustration”

  1. whataboutmyeggs Says:

    Sorry about the bad day. We all have one of those, and no one would blame you for having more than a few after everything you’ve been through. Sometimes that’s just the way things have to be until “you” decide when you’re ready. You’ll know when you’re ready. I know after my m/c I had a “few” days like that, but then one day I just knew. No rush though. You have every right to cry, and we’re all here to send an electronic box of kleenex. Good luck, (HUGS)

  2. tntstanifer Says:

    Although you feel ridiculous, I think you’re pretty darn normal. As normal as you can be for someone who has been through what we have. Nothing is the same anymore. TTC was hard BEFORE. It’s absolutely CRAZY afterwards! But it can happen!! Here’s hoping AF doesn’t show!

  3. KB Says:

    Hey – You might be ridiculous and So F-ing What! BE ridiculous -I mean really, F-it – BE it! Go outside and do something physical like throw rocks into a pond, kick the air, spin around until you fall dizzy onto the floor, punch the sky like Sporto in Breakfast Club. Do something weird or sweaty – put some 80’s music on and dance in your living room, scream into your pillow, do a kartwheel, go crazy!

    Or just do nothing. Just rest on the floor and breathe.

    It is allright. The hard part is just learning how to be OK w/ feeling not OK. Because when we fight w/ the feelings I think they just get worse. Whenever I say, “I am not swearing anymore” I drop like 10 F-Bombs in the next 3 conversations.

    Roll w/ it baby. There are days like this and you can give yourself a break on those days.

    You’re OK. You rock. I love you.

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