I’m A Liar

September 25, 2008

I lied to a friend today.  She sent an email to let us know that there may be something wrong with her baby but that the doctors were going to runs more tests and she would keep us posted.  I sent her an email back telling her that everything would be okay, that I was sure it was nothing but that I would think good thoughts anyway.

I lied.

I said all the generic things you are supposed to say to a mom who is clearly terrified that there is something wrong with her unborn baby.  I lied to her like all of the people who lied to me when I sent the email that the twins were in trouble and we were leaving for Philly that morning.  I lied because I know that right now she is so scared that she can’t form a complete sentence, that every thought in her head is about that baby, because right now, she would give her own life to make sure that baby was safe and healthy.  Oh believe me, I know.

So I lied.

In my heart, I don’t think I believe that anything will ever be okay every again.  I am so disillusioned with what modern medicine can do for a baby in utereo that I still wonder how in the world healthy babies are born.  In my world, a healthy baby is an exception not a norm.  Because of my experiences, I am actually shocked when a baby is born alive and breathing.   I am still very angry that bitch, Modern Medicine, wouldn’t save my boys.

So I lied to my friend.

But I didn’t do it out of meanness.  I can tell you that those “lies” that people told me made me feel better.  I know that they had no way of knowing what would or wouldn’t happen, if the babies would be okay or not but the words of kindness and hope, those helped me.  My friend knows that I am no doctor, that I would have no idea whether what the doctor saw on the scan was bad or nothing to be concerned about but still, I want to comfort her.  I want to give her hope just like she and so many others gave me months ago.

And guess what?  I will continue to lie to her because hope, well that’s all I have right now.


2 Responses to “I’m A Liar”

  1. niobe Says:

    Sometimes I feel that every hopeful thing I say is a lie. That, as you say, nothing will ever be okay again.

  2. KB Says:

    I don’t think you are a liar. I think you (we) choose hope b/c that’s all we have. Just like you said. If there wasn’t hope then what the hell would we be living for right now? Life isn’t black and white. It is a very uncomfortable paradox. Even when things are terribly wrong, they are still OK. I’m not diminishing what is happening to your friend, or what happened to you b/c I’ve been there too. Even when my baby wasn’t OK – other things were. And that was very hard to take b/c my baby not being OK made everything else seem like it should be all wrong too. It wasn’t that way though. Example: my marriage not only survived its greatest tragedy, it now thrives and flourishes. Being OK sometimes isn’t what we want it to be or what we expect it to be or what we desperately think we need it to be, but it will be OK. And using hope in the meantime is the right thing to do. Whatever the outcome, which is ultimately out of our hands, that’s why babies truly are miracles, whatever the outcome – we always can say, “I never gave up hope.” It is what gets us trough. Thoughts are prayers for your friend and us all.

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