Dog Date Friday
September 23, 2008
Hubby and I have “date night” every Friday. It’s been a struggle with the economic down turn to find things that don’t cost a ton of money but we have done pretty well. This past Friday was “doggie date night.” I get off work early on Fridays so we headed over to the dog park to let Quincy and Harley run and play off-leash. From there we headed to a Japanese place that has outdoor seating and really inexpensive food. Hubby waited outside while I went in and order for us.
As I sat there waitng for our order, a woman and her two boys walked in. The youngest was about 2 years old and just into everything so every 5 seconds she was telling him “to get off of the chairs, put down the soy sauce, stop kicking your brother…don’t, don’t, don’t…” This didn’t bother me. What bothered me was she proceeded these commands with his name. He had the same name as Baby B. So every 5 seconds I am hearing, “Baby B off the chair, Baby B off the table, Baby B stop kicking your brother.” About 10 “Baby B’s” and I was in tears. I walked outside and asked Hubby if he would wait for the food. Good hubby that he is, he didn’t even ask why. So I sat there, feeling stupid and silly for crying about this. After about 5 minutes (quick service is not this places specialty but the food is good and cheap), I pulled myself together, the food came out and we ate.
So then we headed over to get some ice cream at GoodBerry’s on our way home. It was lovely day so it was packed. We lined up, order our ice cream (dogs got a scoop too) and proceeded to wait for it. Hubby’s vanilla milkshake was ready so I walked up to get it just as a woman in line turned to me and said, “oh jeez, aren’t they cute, they are twin boys!” I looked over and in line there were twin boys about 4 years old. My face crumpled, I grabbed the milkshake and ran to the table. Hubby grabbed my hand, looked at me and said, “she didn’t know, honey, just breathe, she had no way of knowing….” Just then, as I am wiping my tears, blowing my nose and generally feeling foolish, the woman walked over and said to me, “I’m so sorry if I upset you.”
I just smiled through my tears and said, “it’s not you, the universe is just out to get me tonight.”
Surviving Baby 
September 23, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Y’know, this happens to all of us, or at least it happens to me too. I can’t say anything to help it except for you to just know that you are not alone. We spent the day at Cedar Point and everywhere we looked there were kids in strollers, babies with mommies, dads holding kids on shoulders – they were everywhere! I don’t remember going to CP and ever seeing this many babies, children and families. While not quite as spot on as what happened to you with the twins and the names – it is similar in the feelings. Hub and I had fun at CP, but we both agreed that we still missed our baby and would rather she were here. Just remember that even when you feel the most screwed up – like your tears mean you are not healing, remember that you are. Stuffing your emotions and not crying when you feel it coming isn’t good for you. I don’t believe in “controlling emotions” – surfing and managing emotions, but controlling – no. Your hubby did a good job, “Just breathe” is probably the best advice anyone can give us. You are OK.
September 23, 2008 at 9:34 pm
PS – What you are doing isn’t easy. It is hard work. But doing the work is what is important – doing the hard work of turning back to life, allowing and feeling emotions, grieving and healing – is hard and courageous work! I am proud of you. Remember that your feelings – sometimes intense and uncomfortable, like tears in public – all come from your ability to love. You go on you Big Lover. Now toss some of that big groovy lovin’ at your hubby. We just watched Dan in Real Life and Austin Powers, Baby! Can you tell?
September 23, 2008 at 10:38 pm
Just wanted to send a hug your way. It is so hard when you run into times like this … twin girls always send me into tears … it doesn’t matter what age they are.
September 24, 2008 at 7:30 pm
I’m so sorry you have to go through this pain over and over again. It just doesn’t seem fair, but the fact that you have pain and grief and tears is a testament to the fact that you care so deeply and love so much. Having an open heart does not make life easy, but it makes you a wonderful person with a beautiful soul. I know it sometimes must seem like the universe is out to get you (damn you, Universe!) but I hope that in time your pain won’t be so heart-wrenching. Crying is never foolish, and often necessary.