Restless Hubby Syndrome

September 17, 2008

Hubby is normally restless.  He just has a restless spirit.  As an example, we have moved a lot in our 5 years together – something like 7 times.  His mother says it’s because he was born in the year of the Horse.  Since buying the house, we can’t move so I think he has transferred his restlessness to other things.  Or my other theory is that he is just now dealing with the loss of the babies and I will tell you why I think that in a minute.

Hubby is an avid martial artist.  Karate and weapons work.  We make karate gis and he makes weapons as well (not guns and such, wooden weapons).  Right now, for some reason, he is not happy with his current dojo.  He says that he is lacking something there.  He thinks it’s the studio itself, not enough discipline or structure.  He has been on a leave of absence for nearly a month and has been trying different studios because of this.

I think he is looking for some way to quiet his mind.  The place he is looking for will challenge him physically but will also have some mediation and yoga.  He can’t seem to settle, it’s like he’s had too much caffeine and he has the jitters.  I, however, think it’s a manifestation of grief.

Hubby didn’t have the opportunity to grieve the way that I did.  He felt like he needed to keep it together for me and everyone around us.  He had just started grad school when we lost the second baby, he was working, he was taking care of me.  I just don’t think he has ever really grieved and now he is going through the “lack of focus” phase that I went through about a month ago.

I know that Dads grieve for the lost of children differently and I have been conscious of that and tried to make sure that I give him space but also opportunity to talk but I really think this is a symptom of his grief.

Thoughts?  How did/does your husband grieve?


4 Responses to “Restless Hubby Syndrome”

  1. Rebekah Says:

    My husband threw himself back into work and like you said didn’t take the time to really grieve for himself because he felt the need to take care of me. It’s such a hard balance for us because we own our own business and feel that we have to put on happy faces so we don’t drive customers away. I really don’t know but I think some of the internalization may have effected his physical health as well (he got his appendix removed last night) but I’m not sure because he’s had weird health problems all his life so…???

  2. Freda Says:

    I didn’t know you bought a house? When did it happen? I knew you moved again after you lost the babies, but I thought it was a rental. I wanna see what your house looks like…

  3. KB Says:

    My husband TOTALLY held it together through the bed rest, L&D, follow-up appointments – everything! I don’t know how he did it b/c I was pretty messy. He shares tears with me and talks, but not as much. He’s a guy. He tore apart the living room and put together a new TV stand the night we came home from the hospital the first time. My husband went through a really sarcastic and kind of cranky phase. I thought he was kind of extra rough on the car dealers in the process of buying his new truck. I know he felt powerless during everything w/ me and the baby, so I just let him do his thing w/ the car dealers – whatever – I accpeted his sarcasm and crank. It passed. He works on projects in the garage and at our cottage. He reads my blog. They are so different from us – men. We verbalize and articulate; they do stuff. I throw things and yell and cry and bitch. He listens and hugs and stays with. I worry about them, though, wondering if they are releasing enough or if the emotions get stuck. Like Rebekah said, maybe the unexpressed grief comes out in the physical body. I ask my husband if he wants to talk or share, but he has few words about it. He says “I feel sad” or “I thought about her today.” Once in a while a trigger will get him and he is in tears, but nowhere or not as often as they get me. I know he is angry about it and that’s what was behind the cranky sarcasm – but it is more accepting of what happened and how there is nothing we can do about it now. He kind of goes with the flow more than I do. I sort of think, too, that their grief is just different in that so much of ours is physical. Our bodies mourned and yearned and hurt and had to recover. They didn’t have that. Sometimes I think it might hit them much later – Like on a quiet day when we haven’t talked about it for a while – when they finally get to just be alone with it. I wonder too.

  4. i was such a complete wreck, but hubby tried to stay positive for me. i don’t think he even had a chance to grieve right away, because he got the call from me while he was still at work telling him that i was getting a d&c that night because our baby had passed away. he was just concerned about me, and as soon as we got out of the hospital, he tried to make me feel as normal as possible – he even picked me up chicken soft tacos at 230am from del taco lol! we went home and watched some tv and then went to sleep. it was pretty surreal, and didn’t hit me till the next day when my mom came over to care for me. i know she talked to him but i spent the whole day crying and sleeping. he, too, threw himself right back into work and was doing a lot of stuff around the house, including cooking me some really fabulous meals. that weekend, when i was rushed to the ER to have another d&c (the previous doctor did a craptacular job and didn’t get everything), he lost it in the waiting room. he said he was so sad that i was going through it again and he was worried, but i think it also finally hit him again that our baby was really gone. we’ve had talks and cried together since then, but i don’t think a husband grieves in quite the same way as the wife does. even though he was happy and excited to have a child, it was really only an “idea” (as bad as that sounds to call our baby an idea) because he never felt the morning sickness like i did, or the feeling of the flutters in my stomach, or anything else (the closest he got was seeing the baby flip on the screen).

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