Poke Me Please

September 5, 2008

Get your mind out of the gutter, people.  I am referring to my email to Dr. T yesterday.  I sat down with Hubby and had a heart to heart.  It was a lot calmer conversation than the previous day when I yelled things like, “why am I being punished?” and “fuck patience, I want a baby NOW.”  Yeah, I’m delightful when I am PMSing and grieving AND coming off anti-depressants.  Hubby is SO lucky.

In a rare moment of rationality (it doesn’t happen often lately so I should be rewarded when it does) I finally told Hubby the real reason why I think I get so upset when AF comes a calling every month.  I’m worried that we are running out of time.  It’s been a mere 3 months since we re-started “Operation Kidlet” and a mere 5 months since losing the twins so what’s the hurry right?  Well, I just celebrated my 34th birthday.  See my plan was to have a baby by 34 and be pregnant again before turning 35 (actually, my plan was to have my twins by age 34 and not have anymore babies but then that went ass up.  Then a month later, things REALLY went ass up).  We have a year before I turn 35 and yes, I know the gestation of a human is 9 months so we have another 3 months before things get dicey but obviously, in case you haven’t noticed, shit does not EVER go my way.  EVER.  I just can’t end up in another “high risk” group.  Like I told my friend, Betsy, I am a joiner but seriously, enough is enough.  “Stillborn pregnancy” group?  Check.  “Previous multiple pregnancy” group?  Check.  “Genetic issues” group?  Check.  Don’t need another group.

So I emailed my OB and calmly explained all of the reasons why I want to come in and have some fertility testing done, see if there isn’t something we can do to speed up this little baby-making process.  Now, I got pregnant the first try last time but people, that was optimum conditions.  No stress, yoga twice weekly, exercising 3 times besides that, no anti-depression meds….I am trying to get back to optimum conditions but it’s hard.  And I feel like I can’t waste time.  I am back to yoga, going to acupuncture, walking the dogs 3 times a week, off caffeine, drinking lots of water, etc. but you know what?  I want a little help from modern medicine.  I am owed a little help from modern medicine.  Modern medicine couldn’t save my twins.  She can’t take away the pain I feel on an almost hourly and sometimes minute by minute basis.  Modern medicine has a debt and that bitch is going to pay up starting next month.

Unless the Dr. T says, “no.”*

I’ll keep you posted.

* Dr. T emailed back this morning and said, “come on in next week for a ‘clock-ticking strategy meeting.’  You aren’t crazy, I understand where you are coming from so let’s see what we can do to get you a baby.”  I love this man almost as much as my husband.  We are calling this “Operation Ticking Clock.”


2 Responses to “Poke Me Please”

  1. KB Says:

    I understand where you are coming from. Try to think of yoga and how you get deeper into the pose when you breathe and let your body go into it rather than pushing your body somewhere. Breathe and stretch, breathe and release any tension, breathe and relax. You’re going to be OK.

    I can’t read my home e-mail at work, but send me a note if you want to chat more later.

    PS – Happy Birthday – I know you’re probably more stressed about a b-day than celebratory – do something fun anyways – “fake it ’till you make it!”

    PSS – I read that acupuncture helps w/ aligning the womanly energy for fertility and reproduction. No?

  2. KB Says:

    As soon as I wrote that about acupuncture, I thought, “You ass! I’m sure she knows about that already and is working with her specialist!” I apologize and I didn’t mean to be bossy or insensitive. I was having a little of my own anxiety in wanting to help you feel better right now. Please forgive me.

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