No Words

September 4, 2008

I just can’t explain why I am so angry and frustrated that I am not pregnant this month.  I don’t know why.  My feelings of anger and frustration caused a huge disagreement between hubby and I yesterday.  He wants me to go along with the attitude that if it happens this month great, if not, well, there is always next month.  I can do that until there is actual confirmation that it didn’t happen this month and then I’m a wreck for a whole day.  After that, I’m pretty much back to normal.  I don’t see why this is a problem.  If anything I want to shout at him, “why aren’t you disappointed and angry?  How can you just “go with it” and be so calm?”  But I don’t.  He deals in his way and I deal in mine except that he is not happy with the way that I am dealing.  Direct quote from him is, “I have to wait for you to go crazy because it didn’t happen and then pick up the pieces.”  So that makes me feel like I can’t say anything, that I can’t be disappointed and frustrated and, god forbid, I should verbally express my anger and frustration in his presence.  I just get the impression that he is sick of dealing with the whole situation.  The more he acts like I am crazy for reacting the way that I am reacting, the more crazy I feel.

He’s a good husband, I just think he is afraid that I am not going to “bounce” back from losing the babies so every emotion that I have, he watches and dissects with a fine-tooth comb.  It’s frustrating and painful for both of us.  He wants me to be okay and I want to be okay but I can’t just “be okay.”

We were fine when I got home yesterday and I apologized and so did he but it’s still hard to handle…there are just no words to describe what I feel like when I find out I’m not pregnant.  It’s like another loss….sounds silly but I don’t know how else to describe it….Well, here’s to next month.


2 Responses to “No Words”

  1. KB Says:

    You are OK. I think by writing and getting it out helps you be OK. And you have to acknowledge your feelings or they get stuck.

  2. Maricel Says:

    I know the feeling…But as you’ve said, here’s to next month. Just hang in there!

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