Panda Out, I’m Done.

August 22, 2008

No, I am not committing suicide.  Although I do appreciate the large number of people who have emailed me concerned that I may be suicidal but you folks aren’t the first to ask.  The acupuncturist said to me, “I have to ask but really, I’d be more worried about you if you DIDN’T feel as bad as you do.”  Ummm, okay…..well, I may be failing as a breeder but I am succeeding in my grief….goody.  Yeah me!*  The doctor said, “well, do you think you are depressed or just sad?”  Ummmm, I pick “C – all of the above.”  I love Dr. Thorp but really, what the hell?  My babies died and I have to pick one?  No, I’m gonna be selfish and pick both sad and depressed.  Now hand over the anti-depressants and can a girl get a Xanax, please?**

But that was then and this is now.  I’m done with this grief.  Done.  Just say no to drugs.  Yep, no more sleeping pills, Xanax or Wellbutrin.  Just say no to complete and total sadness.  Yep.  I am done.  I can’t be this sad anymore.  This is not fair to me or my husband.  It’s not fair to my boys.  This sadness and anger is not what I want their short time in my life to be about.  What happened to us sucked but I am done with feeling bad.  Done.  I laugh at grief.  I mock sadness.  You bitches are done ruling my life.  I give you both “the finger.” 

From this moment on, I am going to think about how lucky I am.  It’s all about gratitude.  That’s my new mantra – I’m lucky.  Everytime a sad or negative thought enters my mind, I am going to list all the things that I am grateful for and see where that gets me.  I am lucky to be able to get pregnant.  I am lucky to have a husband who worships me.  I am lucky to have friends and family who would walk through glass for me.  I am lucky to have people who read this blog and want to be a part of my life. 

I am lucky to have been their mommy for even just a few months.


*I’m good at grief AND sarcasm.

**For the record, suicide never, ever entered my mind, just not an option.


6 Responses to “Panda Out, I’m Done.”

  1. whataboutmyeggs Says:

    Good for you!! I know that its hard to move on especially because of all the things, that you have been through and I admire your strength and sarcasm. 🙂

  2. Gretchen Says:

    YAY Martha!!!

    PS – this is to let you know I tagged you! You can view my blog to get it! It was actually kind of fun.

  3. angela Says:

    what an awesome post!! i know it helped you to write it, but it also helped me personally to read it!! thank you.

  4. KB Says:

    I just love when your smiling face shows up on my blog and then I come here and read what you’ve been up to. I too enjoy your sarcasm and wit – your strength and the love you have for your babies. You are a great mommy – don’t ever forget that!

  5. Frankie Says:

    That’s my girl… I’m very proud of you!

  6. Maricel Says:

    Yehey! That’s the spirit! Keep it up!

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