Time Travel

August 12, 2008

There are some days that I just wish I could speed up time.  I wish I could go forward in time to where this doesn’t hurt so bad.  Forward to when we are trying for another baby and then past that to when we can take a HPT and get a positive result.  I just want to hit all the happy spots in my life right now.  I am tired of the sadness and disappointment.  I want to have weekends like this past weekend where we laughed and had fun and life was like it was before we lost the boys.  I want to have days where I am productive at work and not totally paralyzed by grief and sadness that I can only function for a half hour at a time.

Then there are other days that I wish I could go back in time.  No, I am not sadistic but I would do anything to go back and feel them kick me again.  I would make my husband hold his hand on my belly for hours just so he could get another good kick in (instead of only the one kick he felt in the car that one time).  I would go back and take more pictures of what I looked like pregnant.  I would be better about filling out their baby book (because now it’s too hard to go back and do it).  I would kill to be able to rub my belly and sing to them in the morning.  I would go back to the minute I found out I was pregnant and I would replace that tiny little voice of fear (you know, the “Oh my god, 2 lines means what?” voice) with one of joy.  I can’t say that I would appreciate the pregnancy more because I was grateful at the time and I am grateful now for getting to be pregnant, knowing what it felt like to be their mom for 5 months but there are still things that I would give anything to do one more time.  I would take away the pain in my husband’s eyes.

Mr. Demille, I am ready for my baby.  Now.  I don’t want to replace my boys but I was ready when I got pregnant with them and I am ready now.  Again.  I am sad they are gone and I miss them but I want my next baby.  And I want to skip forward to whenever that next baby is coming, please.  I’m tired of this sadness and anger and disappointment.  When is it my time?  I am tired of being surrounded by pregnant women and infants and trying to smile when I really want to scream, “why me? why me?  WHY?  Why did this happen to US?” 

Well.  There it is, isn’t it?  I am still angry.  And I am not going to get my next baby until I am not so angry and not so sad, am I?

Now who out there has a flux capacitor I can borrow?*

* Bonus points if you know what a “flux capacitor” is….


2 Responses to “Time Travel”

  1. KB Says:

    Flux capacitor = makes time travel possible.

  2. pretendmomma Says:

    Well I thought everyone knew what a flux capacitor was. You put it in the Delorean to make time travel happen.

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