Wine, Tears and a Random God?

August 11, 2008

So Hubby plied me with wine on Friday night.  He says it loosens me up to talk more openly about losing the babies.  It’s hard because we do a little dance around each other.  I don’t cry in front of him and he doesn’t really talk about what happened to us.  I’m not angry or upset, I understand that he is grieving differently than I am. 

There was a lot of open and honest chatting on Friday.  Hubby admitted to me that he has wanted to look at the pictures of Baby B.  I admitted that the hardest thing (besides the obvious) was looking at Hubby when he is sleeping because Baby B looked just like my husband.  That’s right.  At a mere 22 weeks gestation, he was the spitting image of Hubby.  It breaks my heart to even type that.  I joked that Hubby’s genes are very strong….Hubby also admitted it’s different for him.  He doesn’t feel the need to ask “why us?”  I am much more angry then he is (which is really funny because I am normally the calm and cool one).  He seems to have accepted that this has happened and is ready to move on to having another baby.  Me?  I’m just still so pissed off and the worst part is, who I am pissed off at?  There is no one to direct my anger towards.  No one to blame.  I really, really want to blame someone but it just happened and that may be why I am not getting over this.  The loss of Baby B was random.

I think about a friend in college whose older brother was robbed and murdered on his college campus.  He was on his way from the library to his car when he was approached by 2 men with guns.  They demanded his wallet, watch and computer which he handed over.  They then told him to walk away and as he did, they shot him in the back of the head.  My friend once said to me, “I don’t get it, he did everything right and he still died.”  She was so angry and frustrated because of the randomness of the loss.  I never understood her pain until now.

But who do I blame for this randomness?  My friend placed the blame on the boys who pulled the trigger.  But I don’t have a gunmen.  Baby B’s death just happened.  And I don’t do “God” so now what?  You can hate me all you want but I am an atheist (which here in the South is equal to being a puppy-killer).  I believe in a universe that provides good things for you if you do good things.  I believe that if you care for all living things, you will be rewarded with love and kindness.  I rescue animals, I do charity work, I don’t even kill spiders (unless they are in the house and then it’s game on).  I don’t pray to someone and ask for forgiveness for things I have done.  I just don’t do the things that I would need to ask for forgiveness for.

So.  Again, my question is, who do I blame?  I didn’t deserve this but this happened to me so it begs the question, why me?

Anyway, as hard as it was to talk about with hubby, I know it helps us work through the pain.  I didn’t cry at all on Saturday or Sunday and so far, today, no tears.  We had a nice weekend – almost like it was “BG” or “before grief.”  Of course, that doesn’t mean I didn’t think about my boys about 6 zillion times but just no tears. 

I guess that’s progress.

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3 Responses to “Wine, Tears and a Random God?”

  1. maricel Says:

    I thought about karma, asking myself what I’ve done in the past which led me to infertility. So far, no answers. I’m glad to read that you’ve stopped crying. Of course, it doesn’t mean you’ve completely forgotten your babies. Moving on means enjoying the rest of your life at present. You and your hubby deserve to be happy.

  2. Freda Says:

    Just to see the other side of the coin, I don’t pray to God to ask forgiveness for things I’ve done wrong. I look to my faith to give me strength when things happen that are out of my control. Even if you are atheist, know that we are praying for you and hope you find strength and feel a little happier each day.

  3. pretendmomma Says:

    It is good to know that you are an atheist. I have been getting mad at folks because they feel the need to tell me stuff about god. I went to a miscarriage support message board and a “friend” of someone said that they suffered a miscarriage because of their “ungodly ways”. I also am having a hard time finding a real time support group since most tend to be “faith based”.

    I like you believe that if you do good things, good things should happen. I keep trying to figure out what I did to deal with this. Maybe I talked behind someone’s back? Maybe I cursed too much? I was too vain? I haven’t figured it out yet.


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