Permanently Damaged

August 8, 2008

I am scared that I’m never going to recover from losing my boys. 

I worry that I am permanently damaged from this whole experience.  I know that I am not the same person I was March 10th.  I rationalized the loss of Baby A.  He was sick and we were going to lose both Baby A and B if we didn’t have the surgery.  So we did.  I was connected to him but he was gone before I really “knew” him.  I don’t know if that makes any sense.  I found out he was a boy the same week he was gone.  I never really even called him by his name.  I think it was a defense mechanism because I knew he was going to die.  Still, it doesn’t make the loss any easier.

On top of that, I just can’t wrap my head around the loss of Baby B.  He was perfect and healthy and growing and developing.  And then he was gone.  I called him by his name for 5 weeks.  I talked to him, sang to him, told him about Baby A, the crib and all the toys that his Grandma and I bought him and the outfit that his Daddy got him as an Easter present and how he was going to wear it home from the hospital.

They were both mine.  My little boys.  I had them both and now I don’t. 

I’m definitely not the same person I was before that Friday night when I knew Baby B was gone.  I know that can’t go back to being the person I was before.  I’m just so terrified that I’ve lost so much that I’m just never going to be able to be happy again.  Even when I have another baby, am I going to be able to enjoy being pregnant?  Am I going to be able to love my new baby wholly and completely or am I going to hold back, fearful that something will happen and I will lose this baby too even though I know the liklihood of that happening is no greater than for someone who has never had a loss?  Am I going to run to the doctor at my lunch break just to hear the heartbeat?  (I think we all know the answer to that last question is “oh hell yes”).

I want to be hopeful and have faith but I am so very tired from all of this loss.  I keep telling myself that I know what the worst feels like so I can deal with anything now.  But I think I am lying to myself.  I can’t even look to the future and think that I will ever not ache the way that I do right this minute.  I can’t remember what my life was like before my heart hurt all the time – the way it does now.  I have never felt pain like this and I just don’t know what to do.  I have never in my life feel this bad.

I guess my question is, how do I move on from this?  I am trying to swim through this sea of despair and everyday I think I am getting a little better.  And then I have days like Tuesday.  I couldn’t stop crying long enough to get ready for work.  I cried for so long and so hard that my eyelashes started to fall out again* and I JUST got them back damn it! I finally called in “crazy.”  Luckily the people I work with understand.  I have worked so hard to try and be strong and I am just not there yet….

I don’t know what to do besides to keep moving forward….

* What? You didn’t know that if you cry a lot for long periods of time, your eyelashes can’t take all the rubbing and saline and they just fall out?  Yeah, it’s true.  I looked like I had two little puffy pink hairless lizards over my eyes…yet another wonderful byproduct of grief…..

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2 Responses to “Permanently Damaged”

  1. Frankie Says:

    While I’ll never be able to understand exactly what you are going through. I’ve been through a severely life-altering and traumatizing experience. It took me many years to really come to grips with my VERY unwanted and unnecessary experience. I mourned the life I could have led, the person I could have been had this experience never happened. I still wonder sometimes… still ask why and eventually I made peace with never getting an answer.

    It’s not just the boys your mourning the loss of. It’s the person you were before this experience. That Martha in so many respects is gone as well. You must learn how to move in the world again. How to find happiness again. How to be the Martha you are now because of this. Not in an attempt to forget them. Never to forget. But to learn how to make it the part of you that gives you strength.

    I worry now with my daughter that my daughter will suffer because of my fears. I worry that I won’t be able to connect with her on certain levels because of my trauma. It sounds cliche but the best you can do is take it one day at a time. Focus on the day. Do the best you can that day and you’ll always do what’s best for them in the long run. Ultimately that’s all any of us can do try our best and hope.

    Some day this I can promise you, you will come through the other side. You will find peace. They will never and should never disappear from your heart. They will always be your boys and you will always be their mother. You are still a mother. A mother to those boys and now a mother to the countless women who unfortunately have and will go through what you have. And as you have said (and I believe it to be also) Someday they will find you again. You will be the mother you ache to be. Trust in that, Hold onto that.

    You can and will overcome this.

  2. KB Says:

    BIG HUGS to you. What you are going through is tough stuff – hard times – it is. Really. Give yourself an extra break about any days this week – this was a HUGE week for you. Say that to yourself like 10 times until you believe it. This was a huge week and you are doing well – even if it feels like you took 100 steps backwards. You’re writing and talking and crying and all the other things you are doing are good! If you weren’t doing these things I would be really worried about you.

    You are OK right now – exactly as you are – although you don’t feel like it. You are OK!

    I wrote a whole bunch of stuff in comment, but it is more appropriate on my own blog.

    I LOVE reading your blog. Keep writing as long as it helps you.


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