Labor and Delivery

August 4, 2008

I haven’t been censoring anything I write because this blog is only going to work if I am totally honest with myself and therefore, you all get to read the raw and honest thoughts of someone still very much greiving.  I warn you though, hold on, these next couple of entries are going to be doozys….

I suspect there are some of you who want to know that first weekend in April was like for me and my husband but you have been too scared or too polite to ask.  I’m going to tell you. 

On that Saturday morning, we were given two options, one involved going home and coming back in three days for a “procedure.”  The other was to check into UNC hospital right then and there, be induced and deliver the boys.  The “advantage” to the first option was, I would be asleep and it would be over quickly.  The “advantage” to the second option was that we would be able to hold them if we chose to.  Initially, hubby and I both expressed adamently that we did not want to hold the boys but we also did not want to leave the hospital and wait at home for three days with our dead babies.  We opted to be induced that day.

The nurse checked me in and hubby went home to get a change of clothes for me and turn the dogs over to our neighbors.  The charge nurse, Denise, put me in a back corner room that was secluded from the other mommies.  There was also a paper cut out of white dogwood flowers placed on my door so one but the doctors and nurse on duty would enter my room.  A large cart with coffee, sodas and snacks was brought up from the cafeteria.  I knew then that we were in for a long haul.  I would, in fact, labor for 36 hours.

As I sat in my room waiting for hubby to return, I thought, “Wow, I don’t feel pregnant anymore.”  I looked down at the cute coral colored zip-up hoodie and stretchy black yoga pants that hubby bought for me in Pennslyvania (I was ordered to be on 5 weeks of bed rest and hubby thought it would be nice if I had something other than jammies to wear),  I noticed my belly was not as taunt, my little bump that was sitting up under my ribs was now further down, level with my belly button.  This was really it, he really did die.

Just then, the intern who was with Dr. Hickman in the ultrasound room came in, shut the door and sat down in the chair.  She bagan talking to me about mundane little things – where was I from?  what did I do?  how did I meet my husband?  She made me feel like I was more than a patient to her – she was trying to make me feel safe and secure and that I could trust her.  I will never forget that.  I was never left alone until hubby came back.  Denise came in and said, “I will be with you as long as you are here and I am on duty.  This happened to me, I have been through this with lots of women and I will take care of you and your babies, okay?”  You have no idea what that felt like….I was so scared – this was my first pregnancy and I kept thinking, “I never got to take the birthing classes, I don’t know what to do!!”  But I didn’t want hubby to know I was scared because he LOOKED very scared.

At 5pm that night, Dr. Hickman came in and placed a tablet in my uterus to start the contractions.  A new tablet would be placed every 4 hours until I was dilated enough to have the boys.  I didn’t need to be dilated to 10 cms because Baby B was only 22 weeks.  I was also hooked up to an IV of morphine.  Apparently me and morphine don’t get along because about 5 minutes later, I was getting ready to hurl….Dr. Hickman gave me an IV drip of something to help with the nausea which had the added side effect of making me really sleepy.  I was so out of it that I barely remember the rest of that night.  I do know that the contractions started coming about 6pm and were mild but steady for the rest of the night.

Now let me say this – we made the decision not to tell anyone where we were.  We wanted this to just be me and hubby.  I often wonder if that was a mistake because hubby was left alone to deal with all the doctors and watch me sleep.  I know it was hard on him to be alone but he made the doctors drug me up so I would be out of it.  I remember waking to hear him say to a nurse, “her morphine is out, can you come here and replace it please, she can’t be in pain, I don’t want her to be in pain…” 

Day 2 of the long road to delivery tomorrow…………


4 Responses to “Labor and Delivery”

  1. maricel Says:

    As I was reading your story, I felt like I could feel what you went through. I don’t know, maybe because I’m so emotional today. It’s like I lost a child myself.

  2. Frankie Says:

    I’m so proud of you for being so very honest. I’m so proud of you for sharing this. I hope you realize how much you will help other women by sharing your experience with the world.

  3. KB Says:

    I haven’t really told anyone what my L&D was like – not the details – partly b/c I would like to forget them myself. As I read both of your L&D posts, I sense that it is helping you. You are strong and brave. Thank you.

  4. my recent post automatically generated yours as a “related topic”. i’m sorry for what you went through, truly. i know just how you feel.

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