Expanding Our Options

Unbeknownst to me, Hubby read my blog on Friday.  I know that sometimes he reads it just to see what I’m thinking because sometimes, when he asks, I’m not honest (and that’s not because I don’t want to be – I might not want to talk about it RIGHT then).

We had a long, frank discussion about adoption during date night.  He apparently had been thinking about it a lot.  He agrees with me that while we still want to carry a baby, we are ready to have a baby in our life now.  We want two (2)children and this process is taking a lot longer than I thought it would.  I haven’t been pregnant again in three (3) months (if you are new to my blog, read why that’s an issue).  I’m really worried that it’s not going to happen again, that something has occurred to make me not get pregnant anymore.

I’m also really worried about money but the information session we signed up for, seemed to make the financial aspect not as much of an issue.  Of course, I’m immediately skeptical of anything that seems to be good to be true. 

Maybe this will take the sense of urgency away and bring me a sense of peace that I am so badly lacking.  I’m still not willing to give up on carrying a child and I’m having an issue reconciling that.  I read somewhere that once you make the decision to adopt, you need time to grieve that loss of your fertility.  I don’t feel like that applies to me because we will continue to try and carry a child but I am feeling something in making this decision.  I don’t know if it’s sadness because I miss the boys or fear as to what this decision means for our future.  I’m worried that people will look at us differently as parents, family members will judge our child or that, in general, there will some stigma attached to him/her.  People said/say the cruelest things when I lost the babies….I have little faith they wouldn’t continue to suffer from “foot in mouth” syndrome.  But then I think about a friend who is the middle child of three and she’s the only adopted child in the family.  She’s happy, healthy and seemingly well adjusted.  Is she the norm or were her parents just extraordinary?  What if I’m not an extraordinary parent?

I’m also anxious about that first discussion with the adoption counselor.  How do I convey to someone that my children died but I’m not here to replace them?  Do I want to talk about the boys in our letter to the birthmother?  What do I say without sounding like I am playing the sympathy card?  Also, we would have to put the nursery back together and that makes me so anxious.  Hubby set up the nursery in our old house as a surprise for me – to help me feel better after losing Baby A and to have something to look at when I was home on bedrest.  The nursery was then dismantled because we were buying our house when Baby B died and never put back together because he never got to live in the new house.  All of the baby stuff is stacked in boxes and baskets in the “Nursery” with the door shut.  I haven’t been in there since we moved in 18 months ago.

Maybe I am just “borrowing trouble” – looking for things to worry about.  I just didn’t think this is where I would be in my life.  Never in a million years did I think I would be the lostbabymama to two little boys, pondering adoption.

Hope…

It is a funny thing, isn’t it?  I feel like all of you understood what I was trying to convey yesterday – I really appreciate that.  I want to be positive, I want to look forward to a future where I am pregnant for longer than a minute and it results in a live birth.  I want that, I really, really do.  However, my frustration is two-fold, I think. 

First, I have issues with this idea that with a positive outlook and a smile, I can somehow influence what will happen in this world.  If that were the case, I would have two living, breathing, healthy one year old boys and I don’t.  I begged, I pleaded, I made deals with the universe and the universe didn’t care – the boys died.  I had an army of people praying, being positive, hoping that my boys would be okay and it didn’t work.  I also understand that the therapist is not blaming me for not being pregnant because I don’t have a happy outlook on the whole situation.  I don’t feel like there is any judgment.  Any guilt or anger that I feel is self-made.  My friend F and I have talked about the idea that my grief could be acting as a barrier to getting pregnant again and I agree that it’s not healthy.

Second and I think, more prominent in my emotional psyche is the fact that I start to cry whenever anyone talks about Hubby and I having more children.   I think that the therapist is thinking that the only way to work through the grief is to hope for the one thing that is causing the grief – a baby.  Except that won’t work.  My grief is caused by the death of my boys.  I’m want a baby with my husband but that’s not the reason why I cry in the shower.  I cry because I want my boys and there is nothing anyone can do about that.  I’m have that moment every two year old has when she’s given a beautiful ice cream cone with two scoops and she drops it.  Even if you replace the cone, I’m still crying over the one I lost.  I want my boys.  It’s not rational and I don’t know what to do about that.  Maybe the therapist does.

And maybe this why when I look at adoption websites, I can’t take the next step.  Or maybe I’m not willing to give up on my fertility.  There is an information session in Raleigh on September 12th for an adoption organization that would work with us in terms of money.  I’ve thought about going but I haven’t talked to Hubby.  I can’t even think about pursuing that path without talking to him extensively.  I’m afraid it would look like I’m giving up.  I’m not.  I don’t want to give up.  I want to be pregnant again and have a baby with Hubby.  I don’t want my only memories of being pregnant and giving birth to be what they are now.  But practical me also knows that this is taking a long time and Hubby and I want 2 children.  I’m not getting any younger and those screwy eggs of mine, they aren’t getting any fresher. 

But that makes it sound like I want just any baby and I will feel better if I just get A BABY and all will be right with the world.  I know that’s not the case because when I look at the websites, I think about the boys AND they are what I want. 

I can’t move forward and I can’t get back what I’ve lost and I don’t know what to do.

I’m Trying….

to be hopeful.  I know it doesn’t seem like it but I am.  I promise, I am.  It’s so hard because you aren’t in my head.  You don’t hear the things that I hear – “I’m broken, I’m defective, I can’t make a single good egg that won’t result in a dead baby, I had my babies and now that’s it, I don’t get anymore, my body betrayed me and the boys died” – you don’t hear that.  I do.  Daily.  Almost hourly, if we are being honest.

The therapist wants me to be able to visualize having a family in a positive manner.  We had the whole discussion again about being positive and if I think I won’t get pregnant, then it will be become a self-fulfilling prophecy and I won’t get pregnant.  I’m not not having a baby because I’m emotional stunted.  I’m not have a baby because I have a genetic condition in which 2/3 of my pregnancies end in miscarriage.  I’ve been trying for the last 3 months to get back to where I was when I got pregnant with the boys.  We were finally free of money troubles, living in a nice place, I had lost 15 pounds….I’ve been working to get back to that but I’m starting to get frustrated because I feel like my attitude isn’t going to change the genetics.  That’s where my hopelessness stims from.  I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel and I don’t know what is going to make me see that light.  I’m willing to try but…

And it doesn’t help that I am already grumpy from fucking fertility meds that I was so HOPEFUL would produce extra eggs with the correct genetic material.

It’s Not About Me…

This isn’t a post about me or maybe it is…

Someone I care about very much has been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder – we will call him “H” for Husband and her “W” for Wife.  It’s been a hard road for this family to get to where they are right now.  Both H and W have been down a road with lots and lots of obstacles – some seemingly insurmountable and unsurvivable but still, they have endured.  H finally will get the help that he needs.  I’m so proud of the way they have handled things – especially W, she has a grace and presence of mind that awes me daily.

So why am I writing about this on my blog?  One, because I love them and two, because it’s a reminder to me that I need people in my life who support me and I want to have people who I can support back.  Sometimes I feel like I have taken more than I have given in the last year.  I know that’s “allowed,” I know that’s okay given the circumstances but I’ve never been that person before…someone so needy, where it’s all about me…I guess it’s a little glimmer that I’m getting back a little of the me that isn’t heartbroken, lost and hurt.  I know she’s in here somewhere, she just has a hard time swimming to the surface…

There is a song by 3 Doors Down called, “Let Me Be Myself” and while whole the song speaks to me, two lines really explain how I feel lately:

 ”I’ll never see the light of day living in this cell.” 

“It’s time to make my way back into the world I knew.”

Maybe that’s where H is right now – making his way back.

Support

I just can’t seem to get it together today.  I’m very weepy and it’s really annoying me. 

I found an online support group for people with the genetic issue (Balanced Translocation) that I have.  It’s nice because infertility support groups focus on people who can’t get pregnant.  While, I’m sure that’s maddening and frustrating and angering, that’s not me.  I get pregnant.  A lot.  Five times in the last year not including the boys.  And I miscarry.  A lot.  And so do these women.  I can’t say which is worse.  I don’t know.  Which would you chose?  Never, ever being pregnant or knowing that you are pregnant and waiting for it to end for the 5th time in a year?  I can’t walk in those shoes, I can only walk in the ones I have but I am here to tell you, this sucks.  I’m tired, I’m angry, I feel old, I feel hopeless.  And as a bonus, I’m so good at knowing that I’m pregnant, I don’t need a stupid test to tell me.  I’m the blood hound of knowing when I am pregnant.  Hence, not only do I know when I am but I know when I’m not anymore.  It’s a hard life to live right now and I am feeling really sorry for myself.

I am hoping this group will help a little bit because there are success stories.  One woman reminded me again today, “keep trying and it will eventually happen.”  It’s “eventually” that’s hard on me.

Also, I learned that the drug discussion that Hubby and I had with Dr. S. wasn’t so crazy.  As a reminder, Dr. S doesn’t want to give us fertility drugs because we are fertile but Hubby and I thought that if the drugs increase the number of eggs, wouldn’t that increase the possibility of viable ones (ones that don’t have the translocation or are balanced and therefore, able to sustain)?  Dr. S is reluctant to give a drug I don’t really need.  However, several people in the group have done this and they have been successful…

I’ll stick it out one more month without drugs but then we are having the conversation with Dr. S.  And if she isn’t up for it, I’ll head over to Duke.  UNC is chocked full of bad memories for me anyway…

I Laughed.

I truly laughed for the first time yesterday.  I have been feeling a lot better, not so sad all the time.  I have good days and bad days but it seems like the good have really outweighed the bad.  After the first of the year, I had this sort of peace come over me.  I can’t explain it.  It was a hopefulness and relaxation that I just seemed to be able to settle into.

Yesterday, Hubby and I got a snow day.  Here in NC, it’s very unusual to get significant amounts of snow.  We got 6 inches.  There was no going to work for me and therefore, Hubby had to entertain me.  I made french toast for breakfast, we watched the inauguration, had some soup and then went to the park to let the dogs run in the snow.  Those of you who know me know that I am from San Diego.  That means snow is something in a cone, ice belongs in a glass with Bourbon and a cherry.  I love it, I just don’t get it.

So Hubby and I had ourselves a “snow-down.”  I threw snowballs at him, he threw me down in the snow and tried to bury me.  It was fun.

And I laughed without thinking about anything.  I just laughed.

Maybe We Jumped the Gun….

So last night, Hubby admitted that he thinks we made a mistake in trying again this month so soon after the miscarriage.  He is frustrated and stressed and it’s making him angry all the time.  He then thinks that I am going to blame him if we don’t get pregnant this month or think that a month off is wasted time.  Then he gets angry when I tell him that the only person I blame is me – it’s my genetic issue that is the cause of all of our problems.  He is trying so hard to take care of me that I think he has forgotten how to take care of himself.  He also thinks that all our future happiness depends on having a baby – that I can’t be happy ever again unless we have a child.  He is wrong.  I’m to the point now where my happiness is a day by day thing – my whole existence is not clouded by the death of the twins like it was 6 months ago.  I cried over the miscarriage but was also relieved to have been pregnant again.  I’m happiest when he and I spend time together, when we go to the zoo, to the movies, to the park.  When we read together or nap.  I am happy then.  I can’t really think in terms of a “global” happiness.  Maybe that’s depression talking.  I don’t know.  I know haven’t been the most emotional stable individual the past couple of months but have felt like I was moving forward – getting better.  I have good days and bad days but the good ones are starting to out number the bad.

And maybe it’s hubby’s turn to meltdown and I need to be the cheerleader like he has been for me the last couple of months.  I’m fine to do that but I just don’t want him to give up on having a baby.

The thing is, I am hopeful that we will get pregnant (and stay that way) this year.  I really am.  I have my bad days where I cry because I miss the boys or because I am thinking about what might have been but I started this year hopeful.  Something that I need hubby to understand – and I don’t think he does – as much as this year has sucked big time, it’s only been a year.  We have had 3 pregnancies in a year.  Eventually the law of averages will work in our favor – it did once with the boys – they didn’t have the translocated chromosome and it will happen again.  See?  That’s hope.

We decided last night that we are going to take next month off and relax and then start again new, with a fresh prespective.  We are also going to get a referral for counseling along with the referral for the RE.

Back to the Starting Line

The results of my blood test came back yesterday, my HCG is back to zero.  It was a complete and totally uneventful miscarriage according to the nurse.  Really?  Uneventful huh?  That’s really great.  I guess that I can be glad that I am good at losing pregnancies…it’s something, I guess.  I know what she meant but still, not what I wanted to hear.  She’s very nice but I think she’s not quite sure what to do with me when I answer her honestly.  I’m sorry but if you ask a woman who lost her twins 8 months ago and just had a miscarriage about her Christmas, you better be prepared for the answer.

So despite the general medical edict that “you should wait a cycle before trying again,” we aren’t waiting.  While there is some theory that your body needs time to health in terms of the lining of the uterus but that’s generally if you are much further along than I was and haven’t been taking pre-natal vitamins for 3 years.  There is no medical support behind this reasoning and the only information I can find advocating a one-cycle wait is to allow the couple to grieve.  Okay, well, here’s my thought on that.  The doctor who thinks that I can grieve over another loss in ONE CYCLE, is no longer my doctor.  Dr. T said, “wait if you want to or don’t.”  I was 6 weeks pregnant.  Yes, I had grand plans for names and nursery colors but in light of the last year, I promise you, a month is not going make a damn bit of difference in my emotional state.  My emotional state was screwed right around April 8th.  What me, hubby and our emotional states need is a living, breathing baby.  I have read all these articles by people, who, I am willing to bet money, have never lost a baby that say, “don’t try again until you are prepared to deal with another loss.”  Really?  How many of you out there go into any pregnancy thinking, “I’m going to be fine if this baby dies.”  Really, people.  That’s in unrealistic burden to place on someone who lost a baby or for that matter, anyone wanting to have a child.  You jump into having a baby with hope and optimism and if you are lucky, you don’t end up like me – you get your shiny, pretty, living baby.  If you’re not and you are my people, well, you cry, you scream, you shake your fist at the universe and you say, “WHY?” and then you stand up and you jump into having your next baby with hope and optimism that this time, it will be different.

It’s a new year, I want a baby with my husband and if I don’t get back on the horse (so to speak…), fear and anger are going to take over and I won’t ever get my baby.  I’ll be too scared so I am not waiting one cycle or three cycles or until I am ready to face another loss.

Boinkfest 2009 here we come.

Happy Holidays

So I knew the holidays were going to be tough but actually, it’s been a little easier than I thought  it would be.  I have been staying busy, spending time with friends and hubby (who practically beat the Christmas spirit into me) and in general, trying to make peace with this time of year.  I received some lovely cards and emails from people, taking the time to tell that they are thinking of me and the boys right now and you have no idea (actually if you are my people, you do) what that means to me. 

There is this fear in every person who has lost a child that your child will be forgotten.  When people say to me “you know, I was thinking of you and the boys,” I know that they were remembering what the boys meant to me and Hubby.  You would think that we would want to forget but I don’t and neither does Hubby.  The boys existed and I know that no one got to see them (there are pictures but they are safely tucked away with a family member until Hubby and I are ready and perhaps, one day, we will share them but I think I want to spare you from looking at a picture of a lifeless baby) but let me assure, they existed, they were real and I love them and miss them.

I guess what I am saying is, that despite the awful loss that I have experienced this year, I have been reminded of some wonderful things that I do have in my life.  Your cards and emails remind of that everyday.  I save everyone of them – I do!  Emails and cards.  My husband, my friends, my family….people who care for me enough to email me out of the blue or call me to check in on me, that’s a great gift.

So thank you and Happy Holidays.  I love and appreciate all of you.  While I have a feeling next year will be better, I know that I will always need and cherish every one of you and I am grateful for all of you.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Bed….

It’s that time again, you know, that period of time when you have a lot of sex and pee on a lot of little sticks which may or may not tell you that you are ovulating…I don’t know what you call it in your house but in our house, it’s called “Boinkfest.”  Those of you trying to conceive know what I mean. 

And you also know that it’s hard not to make it routine or boring because, let’s be honest here, this isn’t just your average good time in the sack, we are “boinking” for a purpose here.  This is sex for procreation.  Baby-making sex.  Gone are the days of just “doin’ it” to “do it.”  Ladies, we want those sperm and we want them NOW, right?

Well, last month we kind of struggled to keep it romantic and light and fun.  Apparently we did something right because if you read the blog routinely (thank you and bless you) remember, we were pregnant for like a minute and a half – which was good – but still, when “Boinkfest” came around this month, I was a little worried.

Apparently I shouldn’t have been.  Despite that fact that we were both disappointed with the loss at the beginning of the month, it seems to have renewed our determination to make a baby.  We’ve been having a lot of fun.  Hubby said last night (while shoving a pillow under my butt, handing me my glasses, turning me sideways so I could watch TV and covering me up – he’s a really good hubby…) that he felt very hopeful and calm.  And I agree.  There isn’t the panicked urgency that there had been in previous months.  We have gotten pregnant before and it “stuck” before and it will “stick” again.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to curled up in a ball and cry when I think about the boys but it does mean that I am thinking more about the future than the past and previously, I couldn’t say that.

VIVA LA BOINKFEST!