Back to the Starting Line

The results of my blood test came back yesterday, my HCG is back to zero.  It was a complete and totally uneventful miscarriage according to the nurse.  Really?  Uneventful huh?  That’s really great.  I guess that I can be glad that I am good at losing pregnancies…it’s something, I guess.  I know what she meant but still, not what I wanted to hear.  She’s very nice but I think she’s not quite sure what to do with me when I answer her honestly.  I’m sorry but if you ask a woman who lost her twins 8 months ago and just had a miscarriage about her Christmas, you better be prepared for the answer.

So despite the general medical edict that “you should wait a cycle before trying again,” we aren’t waiting.  While there is some theory that your body needs time to health in terms of the lining of the uterus but that’s generally if you are much further along than I was and haven’t been taking pre-natal vitamins for 3 years.  There is no medical support behind this reasoning and the only information I can find advocating a one-cycle wait is to allow the couple to grieve.  Okay, well, here’s my thought on that.  The doctor who thinks that I can grieve over another loss in ONE CYCLE, is no longer my doctor.  Dr. T said, “wait if you want to or don’t.”  I was 6 weeks pregnant.  Yes, I had grand plans for names and nursery colors but in light of the last year, I promise you, a month is not going make a damn bit of difference in my emotional state.  My emotional state was screwed right around April 8th.  What me, hubby and our emotional states need is a living, breathing baby.  I have read all these articles by people, who, I am willing to bet money, have never lost a baby that say, “don’t try again until you are prepared to deal with another loss.”  Really?  How many of you out there go into any pregnancy thinking, “I’m going to be fine if this baby dies.”  Really, people.  That’s in unrealistic burden to place on someone who lost a baby or for that matter, anyone wanting to have a child.  You jump into having a baby with hope and optimism and if you are lucky, you don’t end up like me – you get your shiny, pretty, living baby.  If you’re not and you are my people, well, you cry, you scream, you shake your fist at the universe and you say, “WHY?” and then you stand up and you jump into having your next baby with hope and optimism that this time, it will be different.

It’s a new year, I want a baby with my husband and if I don’t get back on the horse (so to speak…), fear and anger are going to take over and I won’t ever get my baby.  I’ll be too scared so I am not waiting one cycle or three cycles or until I am ready to face another loss.

Boinkfest 2009 here we come.

I Hate the Hospital

Hospitals used to never bother me.  Now UNC Hospital is about my least favorite place on the planet and if it wasn’t so convenient to work, I would stop going there (plus I like Dr. T).  I cry from the minute I exit 15/501 to turn onto the campus to the minute I turn back on 15/501 to get back to the office.  My whole day is ruined from that point on and all I can think about is my beans – all that I have lost in 2008.  This is where they told me that there was something wrong with Baby A and we had to go to Philly right away.*  It’s where they told me Baby B had no heartbeat.  I’ve had my blood drawn every week for the last eight weeks – painfully, I might add.  Is it any wonder that I hate this place?  Every time I pull into the parking lot, I remember that sick feeling I had in my stomach that I knew Baby B was dead but keep telling hubby, “I’m totally overreacting – I will buy you lunch in a couple of hours since you missed karate.”  I look at the elevators and think, “will I ever have a happy memory of this place?  Ever?”

Dr. T mentioned a reproductive endocrinologist.  He’s not sure if she will be able to help us but in his words, “a second set of eyes can’t hurt.”  I’m really interest to see what, if anything, this doctor can do with someone who gets pregnant but just doesn’t stay that way.  I’ve been pregnant 4 times in the last year and have only the stretch marks on my boobs to show for it so at this point, I am willing to try anything that might help me in my New Year’s Resolution – NO MORE DEAD BABIES!

Of course, that means more frequent trips to the place.  Woo hoo, I’m so thrilled.

*Running a very close second is Children’s Hospital of Philly where Baby A died.

Weight of My World

I am sure, if you are my people, you understand what I am about to write.  There is a part of every one of us that feels guilty about our infertility, miscarriage or stillbirth.  You can tell me that it’s not my fault but until the day that I die, I will feel bad about everything that has happened this year.  I will blame myself for the loss of the boys, the subsquent miscarriages (yes, there  has been more than one, it was the weekend before Christmas and my holiday was ruined, why ruin yours too?).  Every time something bad happens, I think to myself, “I promise, next time I will do better.”  I don’t know if it’s simply because we are women and that’s how we are hardwired or if it’s because we are the ones in the equation that are responsible for carrying the baby.  Or in  my own personal situation, is it  my genetic issue that will continue to cause me to miscarry until one of the embryos doesn’t have the genetic issue or has it in the right “combination” that will allow it to survive (like the boys had but of course, as a bonus, they didn’t live for other reasons)?  Or maybe I am just not used to failure.  I am here to tell you, it’s exhausting to feel so guilty all the time.  

And I am not alone, I know that there are other women out there that feel a ton of pressure to do everything “right” and guilt when something goes wrong.  They have to take drugs, time sex perfectly, then race to the clinic for blood draws or insemination and then in the end, if something doesn’t work, they take it upon themselves that they failed somehow.  They search for an answer when they have a loss.  I admit it, I thought I caused the death of Baby B by not resting enough.  We went looking at a house when I was on bed rest, did that cause his death?  Of course not and I have a report to prove it.  But I thought it.  Every time I got a negative pregnancy test, I would say to hubby, “what did we do wrong?”  And he would have to remind me that we didn’t do anything “wrong,” it just didn’t take this time or a loss at 6 weeks is almost always indicative of a genetic issue.  That has to be exhausting for him too, constantly reassuring me that it’s not my fault.

I can’t do it anymore.  I can’t feel guilty for something that may be my “issue” but I have no control over.

I will have a living, breathing, healthy baby eventually, I am not giving up and I am not going to feel guilty after every single negative test or loss.

Anybody got any ideas on how I can accomplish this?

Hubby Lovey

Really, I know that I have said this before but I do have the best husband.  Y’all don’t know what a good husband he is….

Last night we were out at dinner, finishing up some Christmas shopping and he says, “so you are going to have a good Christmas…”  And I said, “well, thanks…did I get everything on my list?”  Hubby says, “no, I am not buying you an immersion blender to make dinner for me as a Christmas gift.  If you want one, we will get you one but that’s a waste of a gift-giving opportunity…an appliance for Christmas, no way!”

See, he’s awesome….I think I got some jewelry…GIGGLE!!!

Happy Holidays

So I knew the holidays were going to be tough but actually, it’s been a little easier than I thought  it would be.  I have been staying busy, spending time with friends and hubby (who practically beat the Christmas spirit into me) and in general, trying to make peace with this time of year.  I received some lovely cards and emails from people, taking the time to tell that they are thinking of me and the boys right now and you have no idea (actually if you are my people, you do) what that means to me. 

There is this fear in every person who has lost a child that your child will be forgotten.  When people say to me “you know, I was thinking of you and the boys,” I know that they were remembering what the boys meant to me and Hubby.  You would think that we would want to forget but I don’t and neither does Hubby.  The boys existed and I know that no one got to see them (there are pictures but they are safely tucked away with a family member until Hubby and I are ready and perhaps, one day, we will share them but I think I want to spare you from looking at a picture of a lifeless baby) but let me assure, they existed, they were real and I love them and miss them.

I guess what I am saying is, that despite the awful loss that I have experienced this year, I have been reminded of some wonderful things that I do have in my life.  Your cards and emails remind of that everyday.  I save everyone of them – I do!  Emails and cards.  My husband, my friends, my family….people who care for me enough to email me out of the blue or call me to check in on me, that’s a great gift.

So thank you and Happy Holidays.  I love and appreciate all of you.  While I have a feeling next year will be better, I know that I will always need and cherish every one of you and I am grateful for all of you.

Everything is a Memory

They are everywhere, bombarding me from all directions.  Memories of this time last year when I was newly pregnant.  I was innocent and thrilled, excited and a little scared.  Now, all I can think about is that this would have been their first Christmas.  I should be out buying little presents and toys and making plans for to have their pictures taken but no, not this year.  Not ever.  They are gone forever.

And I miss them so much I can’t stand to have my eyes open.  I have cried so hard the last 3 days that my eyelashes are starting to fall out again.  I think my pain is showing because people keep asking me if I am okay.

No, I am not okay.  I don’t care about anything anymore.

I want to sleep through December and hope that next year will be better.

Survived Thanksgiving

Since this blog is all about my ability to survive things that have happened this past year (blah), I thought I would let you all know that yes, indeed, I survived Thanksgiving with my family.  Hubby and I left Thursday morning instead of Wednesday night mainly because the traffic out of Raleigh towards the beach is BAD on the Wednesday before turkey day – last year it was awful trying to get to the ‘Boro (Swansboro for those of you not in the “know”) – a 2 and 1/2 hour trip took us nearly 4 hours last year….no, not happening.

Got to the ‘Boro, hung with Mom who managed to not say anything inappropriate or mean to me (she did call Hubby “shit for brains” or something close, I didn’t actually hear all of what she said), and we headed over to the family’s house for dinner.  We ate, drank, played board games, went home, went to bed and were back in Holly Springs by 3:30 on Friday afternoon.  I call it “Tag Team Turkey Day” – get in, get out, get it over with.

It was awesome.

Spent the rest of the weekend in my jammies, cleaning house, making our own turkey, destroying stuffing (don’t ask), shopping online, sleeping until noon (for some reason I am super-duper tired, my stomach is sick and I’m hot all the time – probably food poisoning or early menopause) and going to see “Twilight” (you will be sadly disappointed).

Only cried twice and no one asked me what I am “thankful” for this year.

I survived.

Now, just to get through Christmas……..