The Joy of….

August 20, 2009

I recently wrote to someone that I have lost my joy.  The joy I used to have for life is gone and I don’t know how to get it back.  I have brief moments of happiness but other than that, I am an emotional wasteland of pain, anger, jealousy, rage, fear, and disappointment.  I have things that I am very grateful for (like Hubby, doggies, and my wonderful friends – both physical and bloggy) but that’s not the same as joy.  I feel like a candle whose light has been snuffed out and can’t be relit.

I sobbed last night in therapy, begging the therapist and Hubby to tell me what to do to feel better, to not hurt, to get my joy back, to have some peace.  I will do anything, just tell me what to do, I said.  We talked a lot about negative and irrational self-talk aka the mean, nasty voices that I hear telling me that the boys were it, I get no other children, I’m broken and defective – you know, the good stuff.  I’m supposed to counter that with “a dispute.”  So if my head tells me, “You are never going to have another child,” I’m supposed to dispute that with, “I will have another child.”  I’ll try it.

The therapist really latched on to the idea of adoption.  She ran with that idea, offering to help us find resources and contacts and then she alluded to the fact that she didn’t think I was emotionally capable of conceiving and carrying a child in my present state and that we might need to take a break while exploring adoption.  That really hurt.  Prehaps it’s true but it still hurt.  I sort of shutdown at that point.  I’m not willing to give up the idea of getting pregnant and carrying a child right now.  Hubby and I agreed to keep trying while exploring the possiblity of adoption.  Her comment sort of overshadowed any excitement that I was feeling for making the decision to try to adopt and left me feeling sad and hurt (thus, possibly, proving her point that I am an emotionally fragile mess that needs electro-shock therapy). 

Along those same lines and possibly providing more evidence for Therapist’s theory, was the fact that I got a message last night from IAC (Independent Adoption Centers) that the information session we signed up for was full.  It wasn’t full when I signed up for it 5 days ago on their website but it is now.  Yeah, no idea how that works.  We are on the wait list for that session and signed up for the October 3rd session.  I was so upset and disappointed that I had to have Hubby return the call out of fear that my anger and snippiness towards the “keeper of the babies” would harm our chances of sitting down with these people.  Again, probably not the rational response the rest of the world would have but I’m starting to understand that not much of what goes on in my head these days is rational.

I’m an irrational, joyless, emotionally fragile lostbabymama and at this point, I think we can safely say, I’m not even surviving anymore….I’m in real trouble, aren’t I?

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8 Responses to “The Joy of….”

  1. babyblizz Says:

    I think that besides the therapist you should speak to other mothers that have experienced loss. Not e-mail or blog but actual human contact. I wish you much peace.

  2. Kate Says:

    I agree with the above commenter. You need flesh and blood contact with women who’ve been there. I googled for sites when I had my miscarriage and there sites for mothers who lost children at your stage. It’s worth looking into. Not for your ability to have your children but your ability to have peace.

    • mkwewer Says:

      I’m lucky (?) in that there is a lostbabymama that I have coffee with every Friday. She’s a tremendous source of support and comfort to me and I hope that I am to her as well. I may need to look for a support group again – I was very disillusioned when I first looked (many months ago) because they were all so religious. Thank you both for the suggestion.

  3. Michele Says:

    I am sure that it was rough to hear your therapist say those things, even when you knew she was trying to be helpful. And then on top of it to have the adoption class full. It was adding insult to injury. I’m sorry. :( I know that I have many days where I feel like I am at the bottom of the pit of despair with no way out… But there is always a little peak of sunshine, even when we cant see it. Your boys are part of that sunbeam and they will help you through the toughest times.

    Sending hugs and warm thoughts…

  4. emilythehopeless Says:

    {hugs}

  5. Tina Says:

    I feel like “the joy I used to have for life is gone” too. I used to smile for no reeason, I never do that anymore. I feel so broken, so sad, so hurt and I don’t know how to make myself better either. xx

  6. Amy Says:

    Don’t hook yourself up to the electoshock machine yet – please!

    Your lack of Joy resonates deeply with me. There are some good moments but the joy is lacking.

    My therapist said that my heart and uterus are connected, so until my heart opens my uterus is closed off too. Maybe that is what yours was getting at when she said you may not be emotionally ready to carry a child. Alright, but how to open a heart to love and Hope???? And will the uterus listen and follow suit???? Like yours, mine really got excited about the adoption option and encouraged me to go for it.

    Have you looked into any other agencies?

    Good luck counter arguing the “bad voice” because mine is pretty damn demanding – and convincing.

    Thinking of you!

  7. Kelly Says:

    Sending a big hug to you…

    I hope this is a therapist you like and that you find is helpful to you. If not, I would find a comment like that to be the motivation for me to find someone new. I mean, you go to therapy to feel better. Yes, often there is pain and hurt on the way to feeling better, but you do a good enough job in feeling bad about yourself; you don’t need to get it from her as well. I can understand your reaction to the news about the adoption seminar. Sometimes it just feels like the world is working against you, doesn’t it? Hang in there.


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